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Rant & Rave
Tuesday, December 12, 2000
Consumed by
eating disorderEditor's note: "Dying to Be Thin," the episode of "Nova" airing at 9 p.m. today on KHET/PBS, examines eating disorders and new therapies.STARTING high school was really hard for me. I entered a public high school from a small, sheltered, private Catholic middle school. Suddenly, I felt like a misfit, a tall white girl among a school full of petite Asians.I watched my friends get all the attention from boys and it hurt to be so invisible. The solution seemed simple: I had to be small to fit in.
Every calorie I ate was accounted for and burned up through exercise. Food, fat and fitness became the three most important aspects of my life. I don't understand how no one noticed the way I was struggling and obsessing with food.
Ironically, the more pounds I lost, the less I fit in. My friends were irritated by my one-track mind and my relationship with my parents was almost non-existent. My sister and her friends called me "Annie-rexic." But I didn't care. Hearing their comments about how skinny I had become only made me try harder.
Eventually my mom started bringing home books about eating disorders. I would read them secretly. I felt like I was reading the story of my life. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to change. It was the one part of my life I had control over.
Then I was distracted by a trip to Italy. We were going to visit my father's relatives for a month. My summer in Italy was wonderful. I fell in love with Sicily. Suddenly, I wasn't the invisible white girl. I was around people just like me and boys actually flirted with me. I felt like I belonged, and I felt beautiful. For a month, anyway.
COMING back and being the big white girl again was harder than ever. I was angry with everything and everyone, but mostly I was angry with myself for not being able to accept who I was. A therapist helped me to start digging up issues I had ignored my whole life. For the first time, my emotions overwhelmed me. The pain was unbearable. I started binging and purging to relieve it.
My grades also suffered during my junior year. I wasn't able to keep up with my rigorous schedule and my GPA plummeted. I had to drop my more challenging classes. By winter break , I hit rock bottom. I was binging and purging up to five times a day and I was wearing sweat pants and big T-shirts to hide my seemingly ugly body. Depression consumed me.
That is when I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was put on anti-depressants and within a few months, I was feeling better. I reduced my binging to once a day, and began paying more attention to my looks. I felt better, so I stopped taking the anti-depressants and found that I didn't need them anymore. I immersed myself in writing and learned to cope with the pain.
As summer came along, I was binging and purging less and less. I went to Italy again, spending time writing in my journal, looking within myself, and being honest about what I felt and wanted. My goal was to have seven binge/purge-free days. When those seven days turned into 16, I knew I was reclaiming my life.
Now, recovery is well underway. I know now that I'm worth more than what the scale says. I've learned to cry when I am hurting, and allow others to help me when I need support. My friends are back in my life. Although I'm still not a petite Asian girl, I am happy being the person I am. I am stronger than the problems I face.
I plan to help other girls like me. Since I had the "college girls" disease early, and proved to be stronger than my illness, I have the knowledge to help others suffering from eating disorders. No matter where I go to further my education, I want to start a support group for girls who might be suffering in silence, just like I was.
Amanda Gino is a senior at Kaiser High School. Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature
allowing those 12 to 22 to serve up fresh perspectives.
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