YESTERDAY the Star-Bulletin endorsed Al Gore's bid for the presidency. Therefore, in an effort to be fair (and so all my Republican friends at the Rotary Club of Honolulu won't be mad at me), I'm devoting this entire space to the other guy in the race.
Trying to be open-minded
about a Bush presidency
Actually, there are plenty of reasons to be happy if George W. Bush is elected on Tuesday. Honest. I had a relatively easy time coming up with this list of advantages:
President Bush will constantly keep us amused with the unintended funny things he says, like "tacular weapons" ("tactical nuclear weapons") and "subliminable" ("subliminal").
Unlike Gore, we won't be reminded of Bill Clinton every time we see him.
Eight years is much too long for the Democrats to maintain a grasp on the White House or on any jurisdiction. (Caveat: This rule apparently does not apply in Hawaii).
Isle women will be well-informed by having to read the Star-Bulletin every day to make sure restrictions aren't being placed on their "right to choose" by Bush-appointed justices.
Aw, c'mon, the environment isn't that important.
Bush doesn't know a lot of detailed things about lofty stuff we're really not that interested in, like Gore does.
Instead of having to become first lady and embrace an even more hectic lifestyle, Tipper will finally get to rest and enjoy her family and photography.
Bush is a compassionate conservative, whatever that means.
We'll be able to invest some of our Social Security money in the stock market. Yee-ha!
Laura bakes better cookies than Tipper and won't have illusions of grandeur like Hillary.
Colin Powell gets to be secretary of state.
Bush often repeats himself to make sure his message is getting across to the press and public, like when he said: "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." (Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28).
School vouchers, baby!
If a former party animal like Bush can grow up to become president, it will inspire many a frat rat.
Condoleezza Rice will become the country's first woman national security advisor.
As Peggy Noonan wrote in Time magazine's Nov. 6 issue: "There is no nice way to say this: We (won't) have another famous liar in the White House."
We can start naming our daughters "Monica" again.
Bush won't be governor of Texas anymore (hear the cheers from that state's Death Row?).
Since Al and Tipper love Hawaii they'd probably come here a lot, resulting in major traffic gridlock when the Secret Service closes off H-1 freeway and overhead bridges for the presidential motorcade. Bah, humbug.
Tax money will not be "wasted" on prescription-drug coverage for the elderly under Medicare, like Gore wants to provide.
Bush won't give most Americans an inferiority complex.
See, even residents in a Democratic state like this will be able to flash the shaka sign if George W. takes the general election Tuesday.
If that does happen, and you're a Gore supporter like me, keep this column handy to read and reread so you won't get depressed.
It's going to be a l-o-o-o-n-g four years.
Diane Yukihiro Chang's column runs Monday and Friday.
She can be reached by phone at 525-8607, via e-mail at
email@example.com, or by fax at 523-7863.