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Honolulu Lite
THIS is a great time of year, when holiday catalogs start arriving in the mail. Catalog companies are a columnist's best friend. Usually you have to go out and hunt down silliness. 'Tis the season they land right in your lap. The mutts dressed
to the K-nineCase in point: The Company of Dogs, a high-class, glossy catalog, is chock-full of hundreds of expensive items to humiliate the dog in your life.
Take the Fifi & Romeo Canine Carrier. "Individually handcrafted with Italian leather and vintage wool ... a must have for any discerning dog lover." The photo shows a dog the size of a hamster sitting in a purse. It's a dog purse, man. And, it costs $559. Where're the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals when you need them? Surely it isn't ethical to carry a little dog around in a purse.
Little dogs are the victims of most animal fashion abuse. Take the Dog Santa Sweater. "Your four-footed friend will be the hit of the holiday party when he arrives wearing this exclusive chenille Santa Sweater." The photo shows an embarrassed tiny dog dressed like an elf. If you tried to put a sweater on a Rottweiler, he'd bite your face off. The only thing missing from the Santa Sweater is a handle, so you can pick up the humiliated mutt like a brief case when you're in a hurry.
Dog beds are popular in the catalog. There's a fancy one modeled after an overstuffed easy chair. There's a rustic four-poster bed made from tree branches. There's even a wrought iron feather bed that costs nearly $1,000. Are they nuts? My bed didn't cost $1,000. I'll be damned if my dog, Boomer, has a better bed than I do.
Besides, the only place a dog wants to sleep is in your bed. Or, a pile of dirt and then your bed.
The latest craze in pooch paraphernalia is raised feeding tables. They allow your dog to eat without having to bend down, because, you know in the wild, dogs only eat things that are head-high. The "American Heritage" feeding table looks like something that might have been in George Washington's house if George Washington was a dwarf. The elegant "Country French" feeding table looks like something that might have been in Napoleon's house if Napoleon was the size he was.
IF you really want to drop some dough on your dog, you can commission an original pet portrait for $1,600. You send in a photograph of the dog and you get back a pastel or acrylic painting. It would be kind of cool to have a nice painting of Boomer. But is it right to have a $1,600 painting of a $40 dog?
There are a lot of watering bowls in the catalog. There are hand-painted ceramic bowls for $39. There are bowls in wrought-iron stands. (Who'd have thought dogs were so into wrought-iron?) But I couldn't find anywhere in the catalog water bowls shaped like toilets, which would seem to be a no-brainer.
There are also lots of things for dog owners available. Like, curiously, a wine rack in the shape of a dog bone. Nothing says sophistication like a dog bone wine rack. Goes with the caviar server in the shape of an ashtray.
Crystal-studded collars and leashes are for sale, but the catalog doesn't say whether it's for the dog or your partner. There is all kinds of other goofy stuff I don't have space to go into. If you are interested in silly pet products, go to inthecompanyofdogs.com on the Internet.
Boomer won't be getting any fall fashion sweatshirts or fleece booties this Christmas. He'll get his usual rawhide chew toy from Safeway. And, he'll be happy to get it.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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