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Honolulu Lite
HAWAII'S delegations to the Republican and Democratic national conventions offered some stunning analysis of the men chosen to run for president: they liked them, they really liked them. Conventional
wizdom a snoozerAt least, Hawaii's Democrats think Al Gore and Joe Lieberman are swell and the small Republican delegation, made up of 90 percent of every Republican ever elected to office in Hawaii, thought George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were tops.
Likewise, the Republicans think Gore is a geek and the Democrats think that Bush is a nitwit.
And, that pretty much sums up what these conventions are all about: cheerleading and the gentle art of sticking a shiv into someone's back while making it look like you're fixing his collar.
When it comes to reality TV, the coma-inducing "Big Brother" is riveting entertainment compared to the conventions. Even the protests outside the centers are stupid. In L.A., protesters actually met with police beforehand to figure out the safest way to get arrested. Lying in the street was out. Sitting on the sidewalk would do, they agreed.
The times they are a changin', brother. We've gone from anti-Vietnam war protests at the Democratic convention in Chicago to protests in Los Angeles for bicycle riders' rights! I think they're using designer tear gas in L.A., something from the Christian Dior line. Instead of night sticks, the cops are shooting bean bags at marchers. Hey, why not get them comfy pillows?
I guess the most aggravating thing about the conventions is how they have been scripted into torpidity. There was firebrand Jesse Jackson, his head hanging down accenting his multiple chins, delivering his speech through reading glasses, looking like a Prozac version of his former self.
ONLY Bill Clinton showed some life, delivering a classic Clinton elocution, chock-full of false sincerity, false modesty and false everything else he was talking about. A famous Hollywood actor whose name escapes me (James Somebody) was interviewed after Clinton's speech and said, I swear, "I wish I could act like that."
Of course, the Hawaii delegation has predictably and dutifully ooohed and ahhhhed over everyone who has taken the podium, including the sound-check guy. I don't really blame them. Basically, they're there to party, which is as good a reason as any to go to a convention.
But it would have been great if an unscripted moment of interest slipped through. Like, what if former Gov. George Ariyoshi had said of Lieberman, "He's a short little fella. Don't they have a height restriction for the office of vice president, like at one of those Disney rides? And, did you see Ted Kennedy? How can that tub of lard talk about health care? He looks like a gravy explosion about to happen!"
It would have been cool if Republican Barbara Marumoto had said at the Philadelphia convention: "Dick Cheney for vice president? Has Bush gone mad? Cheney looks like one of those old Russians who used to stand next to Nikita Krushchev during the May Day parades. Couldn't we have gotten someone who looks more American?"
But nobody said anything interesting. Everyone read the lines the way they were written for them. Our delegations did their duty to look perky, give out leis and wave signs. These weren't your granddad's conventions, unfortunately.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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