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Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, July 26, 2000

NBC should look
here for reality

NBC honchos are scrambling to come up with a "reality" show to compete with the sudden success of the network's competitors' "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire," "Survivor" and "Big Brother." From what I've heard, they need a lot of help.

The best idea they've come up with so far is a ripoff of a Dutch show about the travails of a woman chained to four guys. Not only is that dumb, it's already been done. Remember when Michael Jackson was forced to perform with his brothers?

NBC studio executives are desperately listening to "pitches" all day long. A "pitch" is where a bald guy with a pony tail wearing too much cologne says things like, "Dig this, man. A dude runs a private detective agency out of a kindergarten. In between changing diapers, he solves crimes. I call it 'Magnum P.U.' "

This is a golden opportunity for Hawaii to launch another local TV production. We should have someone in Hollywood pitching ideas like a maniac. Here are a few I've come up with:

"Big Brah" -- Follows the daily lives of rival youth gangs who have agreed to try to live together on a beach in tents. Each week, one cast member is assigned the beer run to 7-Eleven and has to attempt to cross Farrington Highway without getting hit by a car. Anyone not hospitalized or under arrest after eight weeks wins a year's worth of free legal counsel.

"Behind Baywatch Hawaii" -- Cameras record live behind-the-scenes action on the set. The beauty of this idea is that it's a tricky way to get two shows out of one. "BBH" will showcase all of the hunks and hard bodies of the original show with none of the bothersome storyline.

"Shaka!" -- Teams of grocery store clerks compete to see how high they can jack up prices and still sell the merchandise. Viewer discretion advised for heart patients.

"Honolulu Ho" -- Several Waikiki streetwalkers are chained to Don Ho for a month. Can they still make a living?

"Crops" -- A reality law enforcement show by the producers of "Cops." This one follows the real lives of security guards protecting a Big Island hemp ranch from poachers who are convinced that if you smoke enough of it, you can still get high.

"Howdy Nabors" -- Cameras and microphones are placed in virtually every room of Jim Nabors' Black Point mansion to record every moment of the legendary singer and comic's riveting antics. Does he sing in the shower? Does he answer the phone like Gomer Pyle? Hours of excitement. (Caution. Contains some nudity.)

"They Paved Paradise" -- This low-budget concept offers live shots from all of the video camera traffic monitors already installed around the island. Viewers who spot drivers running red lights and report them in to the police will receive special "I Was A Rat In Hawaii" tote bags.

"Touched by a Moke" -- Each week features the zany endeavors of a different real moke. From sniffing paint to minor robberies to causing a ruckus on TheBus, we learn how these shy, misunderstood fellas impact island life.

"Hawaii's Tastiest Species" -- Hawaii has more endangered species than anywhere else in the world. Each week, a celebrity chef will cook up a surprise dish using at least one endangered species, like a small Maui rodent or a sprig of one of only two living plants of their kind on the flanks of Mauna Kea.

If you NBC dudes dig any of these ideas, zap me some email and we'll do lunch.

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to

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