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Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, March 3, 2000

Internet sex study silly

WE ran a wire service story last week claiming that a recent university study has shown there are 200,000 cybersex compulsives out there getting just a little too much fun out of their computers.

These are people who spend at least 11 hours a week visiting porn Web sites or engaging in online sex in chat rooms or, I suppose, dressing up in something from the Victoria's Secret catalog, sipping a glass of wine and just spending a quiet romantic evening at home with an iMac.

I've heard some of these cybersex weirdos actually have multiple partners, meaning they'll spend the evening fooling around not only with their iMac (Ooooooh, the red plastic cover makes you look sooooo hot!) but with their ink jet printer, scanner and other peripherals.

But the Stanford study of cybersex-aholics related mainly to people who like their lovin' on the Internet.

The grumpy researchers whined that people just don't take their study seriously; that the larger majority of people who engage in regular sex -- that is to say, with another human being present -- don't see cybersex addiction as a problem. Why should they? They have something these cybersex nutbaskets don't have. I can't think of the scientific word for it. Oh, yeah. Lives.

Look. These people who use the Internet for sex are not sex addicts. They are just frustrated folks who can't get it on in the real world. They aren't having sex on the Internet. It takes two to tango in 3-D in order to have real sex. If you are by yourself, it's just a hobby.

The wire story included a quiz you could take to find out if you are a cybersex addict. It contained questions like, "Is there secrecy, shame or guilt around your preferred sexual activity?"

Stupid question. Of course there is secrecy, shame and guilt around most individuals' preferred sexual activity. That's why it's fun.

Another question: "Has your job or schoolwork been negatively affected by your sexual activities?"

Only when you accidentally email your boss or teacher the dirty note you meant to send to Sexy Sheila from Shreveport.

I guess the researchers are worried that online sex is creating sexual compulsives who will take their slimy desires into the real world. Please. The reason these guys -- most sex weirdos are guys -- turn to the Internet for sex is because in real life, they couldn't get lucky in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.

I came up with my own quiz. It's just for guys who may be, uh, confused about this cybersex thing. I call it "How to Tell if You Are a Complete Loser in the Pocket Rocket Department."

Have you had actual sex with a woman since birth?

If yes, did you have to pay for it?

Are you dumb enough to give a porno Web site your credit card number?

Do you realize that your credit card account is being emptied as you read this, you nitwit?

Why don't you just send me your money?

Have you ever exchanged nasty email with Sexy Sheila from Shreveport?

Do you realize, you moron, that Sexy Sheila from Shreveport is actually Roberto the Psychotic 80-year-old Sheep Herder from Argentina?

Do you understand that if you take any of these questions seriously, you are a completely hopeless loser?

If you didn't understand the last question, immediately sign on to your computer, go to this newspaper's Web site and email me your credit card number.

(I've been advised that for legal reasons, I need to state here that I was just joking about sending your credit card number. I was joking. Really.)

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Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.

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