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Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, January 21, 2000

Legislators keep eyes
off the ball

IT was a close one. I thought the Legislature might actually open without having an offbeat issue take its attention from real work.

Then the governor suddenly came up with the idea of turning one of the country's most heavily used recreational facilities -- Ala Wai Golf Course -- into a park. The concept, I suppose, is that parks get lonely and big old city parks like Kapiolani Park need other parks nearby to keep them company.

With schools crumbling and the economy staggering along, you'd think there were higher priorities than building parks, especially in a town where you can't toss a Frisbee without hitting one park or another.

But that's the beauty of Cayetano's idea. It's a nice distraction for state legislators who seem to enjoy churning along off the track.

One year, the overwhelming issue was same-sex marriage, an issue that would affect about 12 people in Hawaii. Before that, the red herring was gambling.

For a while, the fireworks issue looked like it might become the red herring this year. But too many legislators announced beforehand that any serious discussion of banning fireworks was out of the question, thereby taking all the fun out of watching them yell about it while in session.

The governor's idea to get rid of Ala Wai Golf Course is a good distraction, but I'm worried it's a little thin. So just in case legislators find themselves faced with doing real work, I've come up with a list of issues they can argue about without any danger of accomplishing anything. They are:

Study the environmental impact of prostitutes on indigenous Waikiki sidewalk-dwelling insects.

Topless bathing at Waikiki.

Convert Ala Moana Park into a 36-hole championship croquet course.

Surfing tax.

All Hawaii public school children should be taught Esperanto.

Legalize fighting cock races. (This would be a sneaky way to open the door to greyhound racing, then horse racing and then gambling casinos. But don't tell anybody.)

Bankruptcy tax. Since bankruptcy is a growth industry in Hawaii, anyone who files Chapter 13 should have to pay a hefty filing tax.

Dismantle the H-3 and return Halawa Valley to its natural state. Then put in a golf course.

Put a dome on Aloha Stadium, one guaranteed to rust for a while and then stop.

Because golf courses are so important, how about a floating golf course in Honolulu Harbor?

Allow the execution of criminals convicted of capital crimes as long as they are referred to as "extreme late-term abortions."

Make the possession or use of any fireworks punishable by extreme late-term abortion.

Require any legislator involved in floor debate to be naked, so at least it will be interesting to people in the gallery. (Calvin Say excluded.)

Force state judges to pay for the privilege of serving on the bench. (And make them wear funny hats.)

Make possession of at least one firearm at all times by every Hawaii resident mandatory.

Legalize the smoking of hemp. (This will really confuse the Green Harvest police.)

Install lifeguards at every traffic intersection. There are more accidents at intersections than at beaches, so why do beaches get all the lifeguards?

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Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.

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