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Honolulu Lite
FERAL chickens and roosters seem to be taking over the Windward side of the island, raising many important questions, such as "will this upset the delicate balance of nature?" and "are feral chickens as tasty as the ones from Safeway?" If you can’t beat
’em, eat ’emI used to like having the wild chickens roaming around. I found them amusing. They provided a certain colorful texture to the landscape. Now their number seems to be growing exponentially, like Tribbles, in a classic "Star Trek" episode. Tribbles were furry, purring creatures the size of a stuffed sock, brought on to the Enterprise as pets. They apparently were horny little blighters because soon there were thousands of them, interfering with the running of the ship.
That's what seems to be happening with our feral fowl. Roosters the size of small dogs roam back yards. They do not cockle-doodle-do as much as emit piercing shrieks that can take paint off the side of your house.
The myth that roosters crow at dawn and then shut up the rest of the day is, well, a myth. These guys go at it all day long. Pity the fool who drops off for an afternoon nap with one of these feathered disaster sirens lurking outside the window. It takes hours for your heart to regain its natural rhythm after you've been ripped out of a deep sleep by a 20-megaton rooster blast.
THERE is no denying that these feral roosters are gorgeous beasts. They obviously can trace their lineage to domesticated fighting cocks, the kind you see shackled to little A-frame shelters all over the place. These fighting cocks have been bred to kick butt, or rather, cut butt.
Over the years, they have become savage warriors who do combat with razor-sharp gaffs attached to their legs. They are fearless. They can be cut to shreds and they will keep fighting. They are the Special Force Commandos of the poultry world.
And apparently, a couple of them escaped. In the wild, they rule supreme, able to intimidate large cats and small children. Even the fearsome mongoose, capable of taking on water buffalo, won't mess with these roosters.
Which probably explains why there are so many wild chickens and roosters on the loose today. Something's got to be done. Thousands of sleep-impaired Windward residents soon will be snarling and gnashing their teeth at each other. Riots could ensue. The fabric of society will be ripped apart just because a bunch of genetic fighting freaks have taken over the island.
Which brings us back to one of the important questions: How do these wild birds taste? Because, let's face it, if they're edible, they're getable.
Wild chickens don't enjoy the same public support as wild cats. When officials suggested outlawing the feeding of wild cats, legions of kitty huggers rose up in protest. But you can't eat cat. At least, not easily.
I bet there are only a few cat supporters who have not tasted a barbequed chicken wing or Huli Huli drumstick. So they can't protest too strenuously the public consumption of wild chickens.
I doubt I'd want to tear into a piece of one of those rogue fighting cocks. Probably like trying to bite through the hull of a battleship. But the hens look pretty tender. If the chickens are safe to eat, this is one community problem that will just take care of itself. We won't need new laws, taxes or government involvement. Just a hibachi and some teriyaki sauce.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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