Honolulu Lite
BY the time you read this, the so-called "backpack bandit," who police say could be responsible for eight recent bank robberies, probably will be caught. The bandit should
(back) pack it inIf he isn't, it won't be long because he's already violated the No. 1 rule of being a successful criminal: Don't Be A Big Dummy.
You don't hear much about successful criminals because they don't get caught. Not getting caught is the hardest thing about being a successful criminal, although, because of the number of unsuccessful criminals, you'd never know it.
Take the "backpack bandit." He'll get caught because he doesn't know when to stop. Also, including instantly recognizable accessories in the criminal enterprise, like, say, a backpack, sort of takes away the aspiring criminal's element of surprise.
A successful criminal has to differentiate between making a fashion statement and taking other people's money. If you want to receive money for carrying a certain type of backpack or wearing certain types of clothes, you should be a professional model, not a bank robber. The difference is, you can return over and over again to fashion shows with a designer backpack slung over your shoulder and rarely get arrested and/or shot.
I'm not in favor of criminals, but it's frustrating to watch people who are so bad at it. The emergence of the "backpack bandit" once again raises the question of why these guys think they will be more successful in a criminal venture than they were in legal activities. Sure, the first few bank robberies might seem easy. But so are the first few days working at a fast-food restaurant. It's being successful in the long term that is difficult.
I don't know how much money this "backpack bandit" will make in his short, yet flawed, career, but I'll bet it will be less than he would have made during a year of being night manager at Jack-In-The-Box. And, as I've point out before, the difference between failure in the two business activities is that in one you simply get fired and in the other you get fired AT.
So, who is this "backpack bandit?" According to news accounts he's in his 20s or 30s, about 5-foot-7 and weighs about 160 pounds. The papers don't venture to guess what ethnicity the guy is because if police say the robber is Korean and he turns out to be Yugoslavian, you've ticked off an entire race of people. On the other hand, the less-than-precise physical description of the robber narrows down the number of possible suspects on Oahu to only about 332,000 people.
Bank surveillance photos aren't much good because banks continue to use the only video cameras on Earth incapable of taking a clear picture in broad daylight. The Hubble telescope can distinctly see entire galaxies millions of light years away but banks can't find video cameras that can take a clear picture of someone 15 feet away.
When eyewitnesses to the bank robberies try to describe the "backpack bandit," the main thing they recall is the backpack, so maybe the robber has something there after all.
But he shouldn't count on it.
Robbing more than seven banks in a city the size of Honolulu is like playing Russian Roulette with seven bullets (six in the chamber and one extra, just in case you are a really bad shot.)
My advice to the backpack bandit if you haven't been caught yet is: Turn yourself in before you get hurt. And when you get out of jail, find another line of work. You aren't really cut out for this one.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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