An open letter to Hellmann's, Kraft and other mayonnaise producers:
(probably) isnt for sale
ALOHA from the center of the mayo-loving world. Yes, Hawaii is the center of the mayo-loving world. Hawaii residents use mayo in quantities that would gag a garbage disposal. Hawaii also is the global headquarters of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club, of which I am president. Hawaii residents don't care about my feelings. All they care about is putting mayo on everything from chili to Cheerios.
Nevertheless, there are a lot people around the world who hate mayo. Thousands of them have visited my Internet site: http://www.nomayo.com. It is the nerve center of the mayo-hating movement and a threat to everything you mayo producers stand for. If I were you, I'd be very, very worried.
Which is why I am writing to you today.
I recently came across a wire story concerning Dunkin' Donuts. Mayo-haters don't hate donuts. But apparently a guy named David Felton does. Or at least he hates Dunkin' Donuts, the company.
One day, according to the report, Felton couldn't get skim milk for his coffee at Dunkin' Donuts. Why someone would want skim milk while having a donut is beyond me. I mean, who is he kidding? Skim milk calories do not cancel out donut calories, right?
Anyway, he gets upset with Dunkin' Donuts and decides to launch his own Web site, http://www.dunkindonuts.org, to complain about the donut company's skim milk policy. Soon, other disgruntled donut-eaters sent e-mail criticizing Dunkin' Donuts, which Felton posted on his site.
Well, this didn't sit too well with Dunkin' Donuts. But instead of fighting Felton in court, Dunkin decided to merely buy the Web site from him.
Felton can't say how much money Dunkin' Donuts paid for the site, but negotiations started at more than $1,000.
YOU see where I'm going here? I just wanted you to know that the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club will not similarly be bullied by the forces of mayo.
Now, I'm not saying that we are totally unreasonable. I suppose, hypothetically, there may be some conditions under which we might consider talking about selling nomayo.com. We won't be bullied. But if, say, someone made a friendly offer in six figures, we might have something to chat about.
You mayo guys make a lot more than the donut industry. And how many donut-haters can there be? No one ever tries to stick a donut on your cheeseburger or BLT without asking. I can't imagine the anti-donut Web site got anywhere near as many visitors as nomayo.com.
We have members in every country. So obviously, any proposal to buy nomayo.com would have to be a lot greater than what the donut people paid.
Naturally, part of any settlement would have to go to the treatment of mayo-addicted children and the establishment of 12-step Mayo Anonymous programs. We have our pride.
You might like to know that we have been approached by other condiment companies. The mustard and ketchup people are interested in supporting our cause. I've got a message here to call the Heinz folks. They probably want to take out a big anti-mayo, pro-ketchup ad on our Web site.
So you'd better move fast if you want to talk. Just remember, we won't be bullied.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
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