Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, July 21, 1999

Hawaii’s not so nutty after all

LUCKY You Live Hawaii, the saying goes. For proof, we need only look around the rest of the world.

For instance, Hawaii is relatively free of angry rats the size of dogs. The same can't be said of Germany. According to Reuters News Service: "German police killed a dog-sized rat which attacked a man outside his home near Frankfurt."

Police said the rat was as "vicious as a fighting dog and as big as a dachshund."

That's another good thing about Hawaii, we don't have many dachshunds. A dachshund is a curious creature much like a normal dog except extremely long and with a low center of gravity that makes it appear to be a a large, waddling sausage.

Other evidence that it's "Lucky We Live Hawaii" comes from Rio De Janeiro, where police say it's OK for drivers to run red lights at night because of a rash of fatal car jackings.

"You won't be fined if you go through a red light from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m.," said a traffic spokesman. "This is our way of dealing with the growing number of holdups at stoplights,"

How bad does crime have to be in your city before police decide the only thing to do is let people flee for their lives?

It's apparently that bad in Brazil's second largest city. Just last weekend, attacks on "sitting duck drivers" near the famous Copacabana beach left three dead and 13 injured.

As Bart Simpson might say, "¡Ay caramba!"

THE other thing Hawaii doesn't have too much of are suitcases filled with dead women. Not so in jolly old England where officials at London's Heathrow Airport this week discovered the body of an Asian woman in a suitcase.

You have to hand it to the London police, though. They never lose their cool. In typical British understatement, a detective chief inspector said of the body in the suitcase: "It is being treated as a suspicious death."

No kidding, Sherlock?

While we are in England, we should take note of the story about the "public lavatory attendant" the London Tourist Board honored with a special award for her services to tourism.

In a lavish Hollywood-style ceremony, the can-can woman accepted her award with a flourish that would have made Marlon Brando envious, thanking all the little people she wiped up after on the way up.

"I just want to thank my manager Richard, the cleaning staff, the maintenance men, my customers and everybody who knows me. I could not have achieved this without them," the restroom attendant gushed. "People seem to get a little bit closer to their emotions in the lavatories. You don't have to pretend in here."

I guess you could say they gave her the award "in loo" of cash.

Finally, our last piece of evidence that we are truly lucky to live in Hawaii comes from Santa Cruz, Calif., which is challenging San Francisco's status as the country's goofiest city.

Activists there are trying to get the city declared a "hate-free zone."

"Hate is like litter," said activist David Silva. "Our city is a beautiful place to come, but leave your hate at the city limits."

And don't throw your hate out car windows or leave it scattered on the sidewalks.

The anti-hate mongers are gathering signatures to have the matter put on the ballot for the next election. If the law passes, I guess anyone bringing hate into the city will be killed.

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

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