IT'S official: The world's gone mad. Fired budget director Earl Anzai is our new attorney general, Adam Sandler is convincing as a conscientious father in "Big Daddy," and Hillary Rodham Clinton wants to be a U.S. senator from the most cynical state in the nation.
10 reasons why Hillary
Snap out of it, first lady! What are you thinking?
Maybe she shouldn't answer that. It's kind of fun surmising the real reason behind all this foolishness. To maintain her grip on power? To try something new? To get away from the old man?
Whatever, but has Hillary considered the downside -- the seriously down-and-dirty downside -- of a New York campaign?
It's beneath her dignity. Why become a lowly senator when she is already the most powerful person on Earth -- spouse of the American president? Who else can hurl a lamp or curse at the leader of the free world and get away with it?
Politics stinks. As a candidate, she's got to be nice. She must say what voters want to hear. She's even got to lie, or make believe she still likes people who lie. Seriously, hasn't she had quite enough of that already?
The GOP front-runner, Mayor Rudy Giuliani, is one mean buggah. He cleaned up the streets by busting the lowliest of small-time hoods and oversees the most brutal police force in the land. This guy doesn't understand the concept of civil rights, let alone the meaning of the word civil.
The worst part about becoming a senator is that Hillary will have to hang around senators. This is not a fun group. In fact, can anyone name a more boring, pretentious, power-tripping bunch of folks? At least the U.S. House offers up more diversity and excitement.
Relax and enjoy life. More time for Chelsea. More time for friends and relatives. And, best of all, more time for herself.
The four-letter word that starts with "B" and ends with "ill" is a no-win situation. People who hate him naturally hate her (and we're talking millions). People who like him will wonder why Bill and Hil aren't holding hands and strolling into the sunset together.
The press is nasty. The Big Apple, better known as tabloid country, publishes all the "news" that ISN'T fit to print. Notice how few in the media are trying to talk her out of running? That's because they smell fresh meat! They can't wait to roast her, extra crispy, on the public rotisserie.
Do the right thing. If Hillary really wants to help the Democrats and their policies, she should help Al and Tipper. The vice president has been a loyal foot soldier for the past six years. It's payback time.
The first lady should exploit her influence and throw her support behind a worthy nonprofit cause. Or, if the author/lawyer really needs the dough, she could write a tell-all book ("Hillary's Story") or return to private practice. But she mustn't earn too much, or the possible alimony payments will be outrageous.
Hillary shouldn't move to New York. Heck, she should get as far away from you-know-who as possible and relocate to the islands. There are challenging job opportunities in Honolulu for a bright, ambitious, high-energy person like her: state attorney general in the year 2002 (or sooner!), chief mediator between the state Senate and the Office of the Governor, Bishop Estate trustee.
But a N.Y. senator? Forget it, Mrs. C. That's like wanting to swim in the Waikiki Natatorium when the bright blue Pacific beckons beyond. Wake up and smell the Kona coffee.
Diane Yukihiro Chang's column runs Monday and Friday.
She can be reached by phone at 525-8607, via e-mail at
DianeChang@aol.com, or by fax at 523-7863.