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Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, May 5, 1999


Stinko de Mayo
a day to rejoice

HAPPY Stinko de Mayo! Yes, today is the day that people of good taste celebrate hating mayonnaise.

As founder and president of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club, back in 1988 I established May 5 as the official holiday of the mayo-hating world several years ago. "Stinko de Mayo" is a time to assess how the movement is doing in its battle to make planet Earth a mayo-free zone. Unfortunately, the news is not good. Mayo continues to to be used in ever-increasing disguises as an alleged food product.

There may be some legitimate uses for mayo, but eating the gunk isn't one of them. Serbian President Slobo Milosevic would have been brought to his knees long ago if NATO had dropped mayo-laden bombs on Belgrade instead of firing missiles. Sure, there would a certain amount of condiment damage, I mean, collateral damage, but, hey, war is Hellmans. And think of the savings! Each cruise missile costs a million bucks. But you can buy huge containers of mayonnaise at Costo for about $1.45 each.

The past year has not been easy for the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club. As reported earlier, we were forced to fight to save our Web site, nomayo.com, from a San Francisco company called "Nomayo." The owner filed a federal lawsuit (for real) trying to take the nomayo.com Internet address. The case was dismissed with a finding by the magistrate that "Memminger is not a cyber pirate" and the mayo movement marched on.

Worldwide membership continues to grow. Our most recent recruit is Matthias Nomayo (his real name!) from Stuttgart, Germany. He was so thrilled to find the site that he e-mailed: "You know the Latin sentence 'nomen est omen?' This sentence is very correct concerning my name. I am a real mayonnaise hater. Mayonnaise is simply the opposite of good taste, of culture and civilization."

Do I know the Latin sentence "nomen est omen?" Sir, in Kaneohe we speak of little else!

Ain't Internet technology great? A German named Nomayo discusses hating mayonnaise in Latin with a mayo-hater in Hawaii. Amazing.

I also recently received an e-mail from a guy named Stine in Denmark who suggests: "Mayonnaise is a product invented by Satan. Who else could even think of such a cruel thing to bring to Earth. Think about that, all of you mayo-lovers out there. You have been seduced by the devil."

That's a little strong. I don't believe Satan invented mayo. He just owns the franchise.

Not all of the mail is good. I received e-mail from a Daniel in Clitheroe, England, who said: "This Web site is a complete damn waste of time ... I like mayo on my sandwiches, on fries, etc., so shut your gob!"

Shut my gob? Is that any way to to talk to a citizen of a fellow NATO country? You see what happens to people who eat mayonnaise? Luckily, not all Brits are deranged.

"I am British, from Yorkshire," wrote Scott Hughes. "My Japanese wife and I live in Tokyo. I am relieved to see that you are dedicated to hating and loathing this unwholesome abortion of evil."

Poor Scott. He lives in a country that sells mayo in tubes, like toothpaste, and they put it on everything from dried squid to broccoli.

"Beer and sake here are great but the mayo lurks with a vengeance," Scott wrote.

Despite a few rough spots, our righteous cause continues. Viva la Mustard! Ole la Ketchup! Stinko de Mayo!



Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.



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