Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, April 5, 1999

Good dogs aren’t
always the smartest

IS your dog a genius or a knucklehead? Tough question, right? Think of all those dog owners out there who can't sleep at night not knowing how smart or dumb their mutt is.

Reader's Digest did. Think of those dog owners, that is. Leave it to Reader's Digest to glom on to the fact that there are thousands of people out there who, first of all, worry whether their dog is a dummy and, secondly, don't know how to tell.

So in the March issue, Reader's Digest printed a quiz called "How Smart is Your Dog?" Editors were so proud of the quiz, they sent out thousands of press releases announcing the quiz. One release warns: "Remember that this is NOT a scientific test ... the results should not be used for any personal decisions about your pet."

That's a scary thought. Reader's Digest lawyers apparently were worried that at worst, if one of their reader's dogs flunked the test, the reader would kill him or something. That would have all kinds of bad consequences, like the inevitable Reader's Digest story entitled: "Top 10 Ways Dog Owners Kill Their Dumb Mutts."

Here are some of the actual questions from the dog intelligence test:

If your dog is near a door and hears a strange noise outside, its first reaction is to: A. Begin to bark; B. Ignore the noise or C. Quietly monitor the noise?

If your dog needed water but there was none in its bowl, it would: A. Wait for you to notice the water bowl is empty; B. Look for other means of refreshment, such as the toilet bowl or a puddle; C. Find you and begin to whine; D. Summon you to its bowl to show that it's empty or E. Sit next to its bowl and whine.

How does your dog behave when it has been caught doing something wrong? A: Slinks away, ears and tail down; B. Dashes off with a worried look in its eyes; C. Dashes off with a gleeful look in its eyes or D. Cowers in front of you?

THERE were a bunch of other questions. But according to the test organizers, you've got a smart dog if he "quietly monitors noise" outside the house; stops at intersections; summons you to its empty water bowl, understands three or four words, can calculate pi to the 40th digit and slinks away when it's caught doing something bad.

According to this test, my dog Boomer not only is not smart, he's inert. Dense. Doltish. Dull. Thick. A pinhead.

I resent that. I don't necessarily disagree with it. I just resent it. According to the test, the only thing Boomer does right is slink off after he's been been caught doing something wrong. Slink doesn't really cover it. He gets so close to the ground he looks like a dog rug. Then, he somehow propels himself out of the room, little paws tucked underneath him, like a big furry paramecium.

The thing is, who wants a smart dog? If I wanted a smart dog, I would get a cat. Dogs are supposed to be dumb. That's part of their charm. For instance, the Reader's Digest test gives the most points to a dog who doesn't bark at outside noises. Are they crazy? Barking is the dog's main job. If there's someone outside, I want to hear some barking.

If I forget to fill his water bowl, I expect him to bark like there's someone outside, and then, after I let him out, run next door and drink the cat's water. And while he's at it, bring me back a couple of beers from the refrigerator.

That might not make him a smart dog, but it makes him a good boy.

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Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.

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