The Goddess Speaks

Tuesday, February 9, 1999



Cultivating
good men

By Stephanie Kendrick

Tapa

I know the title of this column is The Goddess Speaks, but what this goddess wants to talk about is men.

I collect good ones.

If you knew my husband, you would say I was lucky to have found him. But it wasn't luck.

Yes, he's kind, and thoughtful, and patient. He does the laundry without being asked. He's a great cook. He loves to garden. He calls if he's going to be out late.

Luck? Hardly.

I married this guy precisely because I knew he was wonderful. And he's wonderful at least partly because I am.

Info Box Goddesses have a responsibility to nurture great men. If there are no great men in your life, it may be because you don't know how to spot them, but it's more likely because you don't know how to treat them.

I spoil my husband. He doesn't like to spend money, but he loves toys. So I buy him toys.

If he's going to be out late, he calls. So I don't get mad at him if he wants to be out late.

I take out the trash instead of asking him to do it.

I remind him to go surfing because he always feels better.

Is any of this difficult? No. Mysterious? No. Lucky? Nope.

And we are hardly perfect. In fact, we both have moments when we are far less than wonderful. But they tend to pass pretty quickly. Why? No magic is involved here either. We are simply committed to treating each other well.

Notice, I said "treating each other well." Lest you assume I am some sort of self-effacing doormat, let me emphasize this is a reciprocal relationship. No goddess can make an abusive man great, nor should she try.

My husband is not the only great man in my life. My father is a great man. He wasn't always. He grew up in a time when we expected too much of men and allowed them too little time with their families. But he is growing into a great man. Why? Partly because my stepmother is also a goddess and she loves him.

My brother is a great man. I don't know how much credit I can claim for that, I was pretty hard on him. But he's turned into this amazing man and he's found a goddess of his own.

My collection of great men includes friends I've known since small-kid time. Some have found their goddesses, some are ripe for the finding.

We are living in a time that allows men to be great; to do more than work too hard, bring home a pay check that is never big enough and have strangers for children. So all you goddesses out there have a job to do. And cultivating great men shouldn't stop at your boyfriend or husband, should you choose to have either. It's a part of treating all the people in our lives with the care and respect we want for ourselves.

We can't make the world better despite men. We have to make it better with them.


Stephanie Kendrick is assistant features editor.



The Goddess Speaks runs every Tuesday
and is a column by and about women, our strengths, weaknesses,
quirks and quandaries. If you have something to say, write it and
send it to: The Goddess Speaks, the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, P.O.
Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802, or send e-mail
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