Make the season bright
Reunite the family by inviting
By Carolyn Martinez Golojuch
excluded gay child to come homeThe songs on the radio and in stores around town ring out with holiday carols. Some of the lyrics talk about making a simple prayer, making the season bright, and being with those you love.
What does a mother of a gay son pray for during the holidays? Many mothers I know pray for a world without prejudice and discrimination, but most of all we pray for a world safe for our children, especially our gay children.
My children always ask me what I want for the holidays besides world peace.
We all laugh and then I tell them that being together for the holidays is the best gift of all. Unfortunately, 1998 will be the first year we will not be together due to a family recession. It will be hard, but I know I have to cut the apron strings sometime.
As hard as it will be for me, I think of other families who will not be together during the holidays and know it is not because of financial restraints but rather because of their difficulty in accepting their gay child.
For these families, the holidays are very difficult when a gay child is not welcome in their home. Sometimes, it is both of the parents who do not welcome their gay child for the holidays or any other day. Other times, it is only one parent who does not want the gay offspring included in family events.
In some families the child's partner is not welcome, so the couple stays away from the family. For whatever reason, the holidays will be without the gay relative. This is a loss for the family as well as the gay person.
For whatever the reason, the holidays can be a terribly lonely time for a gay person when they are not welcome in their own family. Yet, the holidays continue to be sold as family events.
In the life of a gay person, they sometimes find themselves developing selected families to celebrate the holidays with other than their birth family.
None of this makes sense. In a country that is always talking about family values and saving traditional marriage, how can the exclusion of a family member be the family way?
What is a traditional marriage arrangement that would forsake even one child? Is it not part of family life to respect and reverence every family member?
What is love about when any family member is not welcome home for the holidays? Is life so disposable that any family can exclude a relative, gay or heterosexual? What does a person's sexual identity have to do with the holidays?
I thought the holidays were about love. Aren't the holidays about love of each other, as our creator loves each of us?
Life is short and this time next year there are no guarantees that any of us will be here. For sure, the stores will again be decorated. The airwaves will still resound with holiday carols. The sun will rise in the east and set in the west. But will our homes be warm with love for each relative? Will all our relatives look forward to celebrating as a family?
Or will there be a missing place at the dinner table? Will silence replace the gay relative in the family during the holidays?
One way to make the holidays bright is to call or send an invitation to your gay relative so they know they are loved and welcome for the holidays.
This might be difficult if it has been some time since you have been in contact. It might be awkward or even uncomfortable.
Sometimes love takes an effort to be realized. The entire family will benefit from your efforts at peace making during the holidays. The reward of your effort will be a truly loving and joy filled holiday season. Then, the season will be bright for both you and the rest of the family, once the entire family is together for the holidays again.
Peace on earth and good will to all!
Carolyn Martinez Golojuch is the mother of
a gay son and president of the Oahu chapter of PFLAG --
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.