IF you do nothing else in your lifetime, YOU MUST READ THIS COLUMN. I don't want to cause a panic. But reading this column just might be the most important thing you ever do. It is not a matter of life and death, but it's close. It's a matter of life and one of those comas that you only come out of after seven or eight years. COLUMNIST
OVERSTATES
POLL!!A fabulous, fantastic, incredibly important report by the American Society of Newspaper Editors has determined that journalists sensationalize their material way, way, way too much. They do it in order to get people to buy newspapers. But readers are tired of "having sensational stories crammed down their throats," according to this huge, monumental, not to mention ground-breaking, report.
I'm shocked by the revelation. Because I believe in presenting information in a readable, reliable way with just the tiniest, slightest, most infinitesimal amount of hyperbole, magnification or overstatement possible.
The editors found that newspaper writers tend to over-dramatize the news just to sell papers. OVER-DRAMATIZE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? That is an OUTRAGEOUS practice! It makes me want to QUIT the profession out of EXTREME EMBARRASSMENT! The pain! The pain!
THE editors polled readers in the 51 states and found that many readers were turned off by misquotes, factual errors and missppellings. Some readers also was disturbed by grammatical error. Luckily, there are only five residents of the 49 contiguous states who can tell a dangling participle from a mango, so the media is OK there.
GHOST OF HEADLESS CITY EDITOR ROAMS NEWSROOM!
Which brings us to headlines. Apparently, readers also think that newspapers oversell their stories by using misleading headlines such as:
MAYOR'S LOVE CHILD IS AN ALIEN TRANSVESTITE!
I agree. If you have a column, say, about what readers don't like about newspapers, it is a sleazy trick to suddenly stick headlines such as ...
CLINTON WILL DISCLOSE TOP SECRET INFORMATION ABOUT AREA 51 IF IMPEACHED!
... into the column just to get attention. Especially if the column has absolutely nothing to do with, say:
HILLARY SECRETLY MEETS LORENA BOBBITT TO DISCUSS HUBBY STRATEGY!
I tend to agree with the report, except for the part about newspaper writers being too arrogant for their own good. I'm not arrogant. Ask anyone. Well, ask anyone who matters.
That's the other complaint about newspaper writers, that they make up stuff or steal it from other writers. For instance, half of the above paragraph was stolen and I can't even remember whom I stole it from. It was some rock star, I think.
Columnists always make up stuff, but it is based on the true human condition, what you would call universal truths. For instance, if I were to write a column about a 9-year-old heroin addict, who says I have to actually go out and find one? Do you have any idea how hard that would be? Yet, we know they are out there, so what's the dif?
The public also apparently doesn't like newspapers' use of anonymous sources. Almost half the readers surveyed said a story shouldn't be run at all if no one will go on the record. Of course, the readers were surveyed anonymously, so you gotta wonder about that.
All in all, I think the survey was FABULOUS! Possibly the GREATEST READER SURVEY EVER! To quote Will Rogers: "Ask not what your newspaper can do for you, but what your newspaper can do for itself."
Or something like that.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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