NOW that the election is behind us, I'd like to congratulate Gov. Ben Cayetano on his reelection and disclose that I was behind you the entire time, buddy. I was on your
side all along BenIn fact, I predicted you'd win. I just felt it wouldn't be fair to tell anyone about my prognostication. Really. Sure, I thought you'd win by more like 10,000 votes and you only won by 5,000, but I've never been great at math. Hey, a win is a win. And we won.
I know, you probably remember me writing a couple of pro-Linda Lingle columns during the campaign. That was pretty sneaky, eh? Had those Lingle people thinking I was for them when I was on your side all along. Ho, ho. I did write one column saying that if it weren't for you, this Bishop Estate investigation would not have gone as far as it has.
Your team didn't choose to run a copy of that column in any of your ads and, frankly, that hurt my feelings a little bit. But I understand. You were playing the underdog role and if it came out that you had some big-shot newspaper columnist on your side, that would just make Demo-crats feel like you had the election in the bag. Then they wouldn't have turned out to vote and then you would have gotten beaten.
A few of your aides will probably say that I'm just kissing up now that you won and that my support was nowhere to be seen during the campaign. Don't listen to 'em, Big Guy. You know I was in your corner all along. I'm not from Kalihi, but I drive through there all the time. I'm what they call a Transitory Kalihi Boy. And let's not even talk about local values. Hell, I had local values pounded into me in high school. Literally. I'm up to my eyeballs in local values. I put shoyu on everything, including my dog Boomer's food. Hey! We both have dogs named Boomer. Shaka, brah. We ought to get them together sometime, let two local dogs sorta hang together. That'd be cool.
Speaking of family, say hi to Vicky. Boy, she was great during the campaign. She was probably worth about 50,000 votes for you. That commercial she did talking about how, under your gruff exterior, is a sensitive guy ... classic. You got a good'un there, mate. Keep her. Did you know that your wedding anniversary date -- May 5 -- is the same day my wife and I got married? For real. Cinco De Mayo. Easy to remember. Don't ever want to forget your anniversary. No, no, no. Wives are picky about that. So we both chose a date that's fairly easy to remember. Christmas would have been too obvious. Maybe we should celebrate it all together next year. A few margaritas, some nachos (with shoyu), the two Boomers running around. Awesome.
I guess you'll be building a new cabinet soon. I've got two words of advice: choose pro wrestlers. OK. Three words. But, hey, if Jessie "The Body" Ventura can become governor of Minnesota, you can have a few wrestlers in your cabinet. How about putting Lord Tally Ho Blears in charge of prisons? Curtis "Da Bull" Iaukea for budget and finance. Steamboat Mokuahi for biz and economic development. And Ed Francis for highways? Think how much fun the cabinet meetings would be. Iaukea says there's no money for new prisons so Blears body slams him onto the koa table. Iaukea tags up with Steamboat who launches himself onto Blears' back. Then Francis breaks a chair over Steamboat's head. Way cool!
There is a downside to having wrestlers on staff. The furniture bill is going to be a killer. You'll need promoter Tom Moffatt as your chief of staff and your meetings might have to be held at the Blaisdell Arena. But think how many people will be wanting to watch government in action!
Anyway, congratulations again, even though I knew our side was going to win all along.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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