WHEN asked about his football team, the coach had this to say during the weekly WAC conference call: The Miners can relate
-- or can they?"Yeah, we struggled a lot on the offensive side of the football.
"Part of our problem was our poor offensive line play.
"We didn't block very well.
"If we can't run, then we're in trouble.
"I didn't think any of our quarterbacks played any good.
"We just sputtered on offense.
"Defensively, we played good football except for about four plays. We gave up three big plays.
"We didn't play good in the special teams. Especially on our kickoff returns. We fumbled one back there.
"There was a little confusion out there.
"I'm existing. The sun came up this morning. That's the most important thing.
The coach is Hawaii's Fred vonAppen, right?
Wrong.
Those were the comments of Charlie Bailey, coach of the Texas-El Paso Miners, who host the 'Bows on Saturday.
And mind you, his UTEP team is a 1412-point favorite over Hawaii.
WHICH all goes to show you the kind of a season the Rainbows are having.
It's bad enough that they're 0-7 this season with a 13-game losing streak overall, tied with Nevada-Las Vegas for the longest current skid in the nation.
The 'Bows are also last among the 112 NCAA Division I teams in scoring, averaging 9.8 points a game. So the oddsmakers are telling us that the Miners will score at least 26 points Saturday.
No wonder all the above quotes could be mistakenly attributed to vonAppen. Those are the exact same problems that have haunted the Rainbow this season.
If ol' Charlie Bailey thought he had it bad, he should talk to vonAppen. At least his Miners can score.
After seven games, the Rainbows have yet to get a rushing touchdown. They have the dubious distinction of being the only team that can make that statement this season.
According to the NCAA, the next three least-efficient scoring teams via the run are Auburn, Minnesota and Arkansas State with three TDs each.
Arkansas State didn't get any of its three against Hawaii, scoring twice on passes in beating the 'Bows, 20-0.
In contrast, Air Force shares the national lead in rushing TDs with Nebraska with 31. And Ricky Williams of Texas has run for 24 touchdowns on his own.
"It's pretty unusual. I don't remember any team not ever having a rushing touchdown and I've been here 12 years," said Rick Campbell, a statistician with the NCAA office in Overland Park, Kan.
CERTAINLY, it's more than unusual.
Leave it to local sports historian Lyle Nelson, a former Star-Bulletin sportswriter, to volunteer a starting point of reference.
"You might like to know," Nelson wrote, "the 1934 Michigan team failed to make a TD on the ground. Michigan was 1-7 with President Gerald R. Ford as center-linebacker, 60 minutes, and MVP."
It seems the Wolverines scored only two touchdowns -- one on a punt return, the other a fullback pass-lateral play -- in eight games that season. It was the most inept team in the school's storied history.
The Wolverines, who will close the season at Hawaii on Nov. 28, were shut out five times that season and didn't make a first down against Illinois.
"All this is irrelevant assuming UH punches one over on the ground against UTEP," said Nelson, a UM alum who attended the games in 1934, suffering as Rainbow fans must be this year.