DEPARTMENT stores have begun to put out their Christmas displays. That means two things: Halloween is just about here and it's time to go to the mail bag for a long overdue edition of "Mister Huh?," where we answer all those troubling questions from ghouls, goblins and other scary critters running for public office. If no bodda you,
then no bodda meFirst, a short public service announcement: The management assumes no responsibility for the questions asked or answers given, which, by the way, cannot be copied, taped or rebroadcast without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League, which is odd because the NFL has just about nothing to do with Honolulu Lite.
Question: Mister, now that Bill Clinton is a hero for pushing the Middle East to the brink of peace, do you think Congress should still try to impeach him, huh?
Answer: Of course. Just because a guy averts a potential nuclear war doesn't mean he's allowed to get away with sexually harassing the help. What's more important here? World peace? Or hearing the sleazy details of how an oversexed, manipulative bimbo deliberately set out to seduce the President of the United States?
Question: Mister, I saw one of those political commercials in which Ben Cayetano suggests that Linda Lingle doesn't have a family. What was she, raised by wolves, or something, huh?
Answer: Lingle's got family all over the place, but thanks to you, now she'll have to defend herself against rumors that she was raised by wolves. I can just see the new commercials now: "Unlike Linda, Ben doesn't run with the pack." Way to go.
Question: Mister, I'm a wolf. And I resent the implication that there's something wrong with being raised by wolves. I was raised by wolves and I'm just fine. I know for a fact that Linda Lingle was NOT raised by wolves. If she were, she'd be a howlee, not a haole. Just kidding. Little wolf joke there. I think you're using this whole line of wolf-related discussion to make some clever statement about how silly the campaign has gotten. Well, leave us wolves out of it. Did you know, by the way, that Neil Abercrombie was raised by a family of Madagascar lemurs, huh?
Answer: Let's stop this right now. Everyone running for office has a family. And as far as we know, they are all humans, except in maybe one or two small state house races.
Question: Mister, speaking of Madagascar lemurs, how do you plan to vote on the same-sex marriage question, huh?
Answer: I'm voting "Maybe." You don't hear a lot about that option because the "Vote Maybe Coalition" doesn't have enough money to run many commercials. They've got one 10-second commercial. It shows a kind of confused guy eating a bowl of chili and rice at the beach. A voice asks, "How will you vote on the marriage question?" And the guy looks around, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from, and then just sort of shrugs. Then the voice says, "Maybe. For People Who Just Don't Want the Hassle."
Question: Mister, I represent the "Why? Bodda You? Coalition." We think it is unfair for you to give free publicity to the "Vote Maybe Coalition" and not even mention smaller organizations like ours. The "Why? Bodda You? Coalition" is so poor we could only afford to buy a one-letter advertisement in the local papers. And they charged us extra because we wanted it black.
The "Why? Bodda You? Coalition" encourages voters to vote "Why? Bodda You?" on every question to send a message to the people who think up all these election questions on our position on various issues that is none of their business. So, look for our ad in Monday's paper. It will be the letter "W" on page three. Do you think the letter "Q" would have had more flair, huh?
Answer: You couldn't have afforded it.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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