IT'S too late for the University of Hawaii Rainblows to take my first bit of advice and shuck traditional football theory in favor of a radical, off-the-wall computer-designed playbook. A perfect losing season
is within graspThe idea was that when you are getting whomped like the 'Blows, you might as well have some fun and maybe win a few games by sheer trickery. I'm convinced that football theory has become so standardized that the first team to come up with completely new ways of moving the football will be wildly successful. It will be like when Dick Fosbury first "flopped" backward over the high-jump bar or when baseball players started wearing cups.
I still believe that football can be revolutionized, but I think it is too late this season for the 'Blows to attempt such a radical change. Why tip off your opponents to a completely innovative system when you are going to lose the season anyway?
Which brings us to the problem of what to do this year. Having graduated from a university with a football team that sucked to the extreme, I can say that losing can be fun. But only when you know you don't stand a chance of winning.
As a student at Oregon State University, we had to deal with the fact that not only was our team apparently genetically incapable of winning a football game, but that our team name was the "Beavers." Spend an afternoon drinking cheap wine and yelling "Go Beavers!" and see how you feel. (I mean at a football game.)
But our athletes were Beavers and so we were Beavers. And being a Beaver turned out to be blast once you realized that winning was completely beyond reach. So thousands of happy Beavers would gather to watch our guys lumber around in the rain while the Beaver Marching Band played our theme song: "Suicide is Painless." Honest.
Even though we weren't going to win and it was usually cold and rainy during the game, the stands were usually full of groggy, soggy Beavers. It was the complete awfulness of the Beavers that caused such loyalty. Going to a football game became a "Rocky Horror Picture Show" experience: We knew the lines, we loved the songs, we knew the outcome and we all had umbrellas.
Considering how much money the UH is losing because of poor game attendance this year, a steady, uninterrupted losing streak is what is called for. I'm talking about a 0-12 season, folks. A complete bolo-heading. The last thing the 'Blows want to do at this point is win a game.
You'll be amazed at the turn-around in fan support. First, fans need to come up with a theme song. Something from the movie "Titanic" might work. By the time the 'Blows are 0-9, the stands will be packed with happy, cheering fans. But they won't be cheering for victory, they'll be cheering for more esoteric things, like "No groin pulls!" and "Keep the Uniforms Clean for Next Week!"
Soon the eyes of the entire country will be on us. Big-time sports anchors will wonder aloud, can the 'Blows possibly make it all the way to 0-12? Because, believe it or not, losing every single game is not as easy as it sounds. There are many teams out there that would love to hand us a victory on a platter just to ruin our perfect losing season, the bastards. They know there is no glory in being 4-8 or 3-9 or even 1-11, for that matter. The real glory, if you can't have a winning season, is to be completely skunked.
So, that's the advice from the peanut gallery, Coach von Appen: lose the rest of the season and come up with a zany new offense for next year. The zanier the better. Think Marx Brothers meets Three Stooges. Think Australian Rules Football meets field hockey. And, just to be on the safe side, think about getting someone who can kick 80-yard field goals.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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