Rant & Rave

Tuesday, October 20, 1998

Miracle ads
hard pill to swallow

By Candace Okamura

YOU can't flip through TV channels these days without seeing a close up of some bald guy's head or other body parts, thanks to all those new drugs pharmaceutical companies are trying to hawk right now. You know, ads for products like Allegra, Rogaine and Viagra, just to name a few of the wonder drugs.

Now, believe it or not, I'm actually not bothered by the number of advertisements. What I am disturbed by, however, are the contents of those commercials. Have you ever listened to what the announcer has to say after all the "astonishing feats" of the drug are mentioned?

Well, just in case you are struck by total awe after hearing the miracles these "magic beans" perform, I'll tell you what they stick at the end of these commercials: the side effects.

Now, I'm no marketing wizard, but you'd think that it would be a definite no-no to mention that your product causes seizures and "sexual side effects." (I don't even wanna know what they're implying there!)

I've heard about some side effects so far out that I'm wondering how these products got the approval to be marketed in the first place. I'm just waiting for the day I hear the voice-over dude say, "Side effects may include DEATH."

It's gotten to the point where the ads don't even seem sure who will suffer the side effects mentioned. Once I heard, "People with a heart condition should not take (this drug) because of the severe heart damage it will cause. In some cases people who didn't think they had a heart condition also received serious damage to their heart."

Man! It's sorta like Cracker Jacks, with a surprise in every box, except in this case the surprise is that you go into cardiac arrest.

THERE'S another commercial for an anti-baldness pill. Let's call it "Hair-beprofin." After the announcer says you'll be able to grow back hair by taking this pill, he adds, "Some men who took 'Hair-beprofin' experienced certain sexual side effects."

I said it before, I'll say it again: I don't wanna know what they mean by this. It doesn't sound like a pleasant experience at all, and that is not the worst of it.

The announcer continues: "Women who are or may be potentially pregnant should not take 'Hair-beprofin' because of a certain type of birth defect.

"And they should also not handle broken tablets of 'Hair-beprofin' either (for the same reason)."

I can just hear future parents now: "Gee son, it's too bad you were born with fur and a tail and people call you names and beat you up every day, but look on the bright side -- mommy's no longer bald!"

I'm no doctor, but I think that if a pharmaceutical company needs to take the precaution of making sure no bald, pregnant women take, let alone touch, their drug, it must be some pretty hazardous stuff.

I'm sure these side effects -- sexual or not -- don't affect a lot of people, but come on, how is one to know that they are not part of the small percentage that will be affected in an unintentional way?

Oh, but listen to me preaching. I have many more problems with those drug commercials -- I think enough to fill two rants -- but I'd better stop now before anyone starts to take me too seriously.

The bottom line is people are free to do whatever they want in this country, so go ahead and take these legal pills if you feel you need them.

And if the side effects do happen to kick in, I'm sure a little Viagra or aspirin will be able to help.

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Candace Okamura, 16, is a student at Kaiser High School.

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