THE political commercials this election season are outrageous. I mean, they are nasty, misleading, sneaky and downright sordid. In other words, they are fun to watch. Politics is a
commercial activitySure, there have been some complaints on both sides of every issue. The pro-same-sex people are mad about the commercial that shows a man and woman in wedding gear running toward each other on the beach. The guy passes the girl and ends up hugging another guy.
The anti-same-sex folks are mad about the commercial that shows some doctor warning that the same people who are against same-sex marriage will be trying to outlaw abortion in Hawaii.
I'm sure the Gene Ward-for-Congress camp is upset with Neil Abercrombie's commercial announcing in a sinister way that if Gene is elected, his "first vote" will be to keep Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House. (That's about as shocking as announcing that Abercrombie supports Dan Inouye.)
But if you think the commercials have been brutal, you should see the ones that didn't make it to the screen. My secret, completely fictitious, source managed to bring me a few of the hypothetical videos that didn't make the cut. Here's a sampling:
Commercial Name: "Doggie." Action: Man and woman run toward each other on beach. Man passes woman and tackles a German Shepherd. Dog rips man to pieces. Woman shoots dog with .357 magnum. Message: Keep dogs on leash? No to interspecies marriage? Who knows?
Commercial Name: "Koki-Land." Action: Hawaii, 2027 A.D. Woman chained to house, crawling with children, that looks like an old shoe: "Hi, welcome to Koki-Land. Thirty years ago, voters blocked a proposal that would have allowed same-sex marriage in Hawaii. Pretty soon, they outlawed abortion. Then, they changed the law so that women could only work in the home. They also banned smoking, drinking alcohol, cursing, wearing athletic shoes and using the phrase, "What's up with that?" Now I have 47 children and I'm really tired. Why did voters in 1998 have to be so mean?" Message: Most residents are bigoted idiots who can't be trusted to vote correctly.
Commercial Name: "Rumor Mill." Announcer greets shoppers at front door of the "Rumor-City Warehouse." "We'll beat any rumors our competitors advertise! Gay candidate rumors are on Aisle 3. Unusual sexual proclivity rumors on Aisle 5. Specific gerbil rumors, Aisle 7. Rumors of bribery, fraud and other financial irregularities on Aisle 12. We have a Price Buster Special for the next 20 minutes on Secret Grand Jury Investigation rumors at the checkout counters. And as always, we have our daily low-priced marriage infidelity rumors in the large bin out back. Make sure to grab some of our free discarded and disproven rumors on the way out for recycling in upcoming elections." Message: Rumors rule! Never leave home without one.
Commercial Name: "Yes or No?" Action: A young man and woman are lying on a couch. "Do you love me?" she coos. "Yes," he says. She gets upset. According to the state Legislature, yes means no! she wails. He apologizes. She asks again. He says nothing. She hits him. "Saying nothing means no!" she says. Now he's confused. She asks again, "Do you love me?" He says, "I hate your guts." "You're so sweet," she breathes. Encouraged, he says, "So now will you have sex with me?" "Yes," she says and pushes him off the couch. Message: Confusion is either a good or bad thing.
There are plenty of other commercials that are even worse than these. That means only one thing: They won't be aired until the last few days before the election.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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