THE Federal Aviation Administration has an interesting way of dealing with the sudden increase in airplane accidents for which investigators can find no cause. Fear of flying hits
new heightsI heard on the radio coming into work the other day that because it is so darn hard to contact the relatives of people who die in airline crashes, the FAA is now going to ask passengers to list their next of kin when they purchase an airplane ticket.
The radio reporter interviewed a couple of passengers at an airport who, not surprisingly, found the new effort a little unnerving.
And, as I was driving down the Pali Highway at a pretty good clip, I could sympathize. What if there suddenly were an increase in accidents involving F-150 pickup trucks? And, after establishing that these truck accidents weren't the result of pilot error, investigators could do no better than say that the crashes apparently were the result of some faulty wiring or some anomaly with the trucks' fuel tanks.
And so, after getting my truck examined at a licensed truck examination place, the examiner tells me, "Ya know, Chuck, we can't figure out what the hell is wrong with this thing. But, tell you what, why don't you just scribble the name of your closest relative on this service invoice so that we will know who to call when they are shoveling your sorry carcass off the side of the road into a bucket."
WOULD I still be whipping down the Pali under those circumstances? No. I'd borrow my wife's car and let her use the truck. Just kidding.
But that's exactly what is happening with the FAA. Investigators don't know what caused the Swissair crash. They aren't sure what has caused the last few crashes. And so instead of grounding planes until they get the answers, they figure they ought to at least make their job of finding dead people's relatives after the crashes a little easier.
For now, the new "next of kin" listing program only applies to international flights and is voluntary. But, man, it's got to be chilling to check in for your holiday flight to Rome and basically be told that you might not get there in one piece.
Insurance companies used to set up racks in airport terminals where you could buy airline accident insurance from a machine before you stepped on the plane. For about five bucks you could get about a million bucks worth of coverage. It was so cheap you almost felt like a putz if you didn't buy it. You figured you at least needed the $25,000 coverage for loss of a limb.
But back then, very few planes crashed (heck, they hadn't even invented turbulence) so people thought the quickie insurance was a scam. I think the insurance companies were told to get rid of the machines because they were spooking passengers. We've come a long way, baby.
I can just imagine what check-in will be like in the near future:
"Good morning, sir. Will that be first class, business or coach? Very good. Would you like to be in the peanut, or peanut-free area? Good. Perfume or no-perfume zone? OK. Crying baby or no-crying baby quadrant? B.O. or no-B.O. seating? I'm sorry sir, but we're going to have to put you in the B.O. seating.
"Now, would you like to list your next of kin just in case we have a teensy-weensy little fatal crash on the way to your glorious vacation? Very good. Will that be flowers or casual attire at the funeral? I see. And will that be burial or cremation? Good.
"Now, I have to inform you, that if, in the unlikely event that your body does burn up during impact after a minor catastrophic accident, a cremation fee will be added to the cost of your ticket. But since you will be dead, what the hey!
"Have a WONDERFUL flight, sir! And we hope to see you again. Really."
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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