MICHAEL Last is a good-natured engineering consultant who gives new meaning to the term "Last Place." Puna: Last
election frontierLast came in last in the state Primary Election. Clearly last. Even most sincerely last. Out of hundreds of thousands of votes cast in various races, Last, running for the state House from Puna, managed to garner the least. Last got three votes. Three. And even that is overstating things by a third considering one of those votes was his.
How does a guy feel running for office and getting only two other people to vote for him? I had to find out. So I called Last in Puna.
Michael, I said, are you OK? Are you kind of depressed?
"Not at all," he said. "I wanted to be another voice. I wanted to bring rational debate to the issues. My slogan was, 'Politics isn't the oldest profession, but the results are the same.' "
Last says he has no idea who voted for him and that "Nobody will admit it."
"Each vote cost me $12.50," he said, pointing out that there was a $25 filing fee.
It was a cheap campaign. He spent no money. Nevertheless, the state Campaign Spending Commission wanted to cite him for not filing reports.
"Report what?" he said. "I had no campaign headquarters. No checking account. No funds expended. No funds received. No committee. No PAC money. They gave me all kind of humbug."
LAST has lived on the Big Island for seven years. The 51-year-old non-partisan knew he wouldn't win. But he wanted to attend the candidates' forums and debates. He wanted to fight for funding for a medical evacuation helicopter and for auto insurance reform. But mainly, he wanted to do anything he could to help defeat incumbent Democrat Robert Herkes, who, he said, favored the increase in the general excise tax.
Two years ago, Last ran for the same seat. I asked how many votes he got then.
"I don't remember," he said, somewhat evasively.
Was it at least double digits?
"I believe so, but it would have been in the low teens," he said.
Three votes, Michael. Did you try? Did you really try?
"Absolutely," he said.
He attempted to blame his poor showing on people who crossed over to vote in the Republican races.
Michael, I said, you didn't even beat the Libertarian. That guy got 27 votes.
"Yeah, you're right," he said. "But they're a recognized party. I only missed by 24 votes!"
Election night was agonizing. With no cable television he was forced to sit by his radio.
The first computer results came in and the radio reporter ran through the candidates.
"She said, 'Michael Last, zero,'" he remembers, not too fondly.
Zero? How could that be? He knew he'd voted for himself.
He stayed up for the second print out. Still no votes.
"I stayed up until 1:00 in the morning. The last radio report, they didn't even give my name," he said.
So he went to bed and woke up to find he had snagged all of three votes. Nevertheless, he was happy to see that the Republican candidate, Robert Reed, had thrashed Herkes 2,219 to 1,612 (they'll face each other for real in the General Election).
Despite his dismal showing, Last still campaigns. Against Herkes. He cruises the highways looking for Herkes supporters waving signs. He stops and pulls out a large homemade sign and stands among them. The sign has a single word that can't be published in a family newspaper. It starts with "B" and it's not "baloney." He's determined to have the Last laugh.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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