TO: Small-time hustlers, minor thieves, unarmed robbers, street-level drug dealers and friends Hey crooks,
big-time crimes payFROM: The Small Criminal Underworld Business Association (SCUBA -- Proudly serving the under-capitalized criminal since 1968)
GREETING! I'd like to apologize. I know it's been a long time since our last newsletter but you know how it is when you aren't in the joint. I had to wait in line at Kinko's for hours to print up 100,000 copies of your monthly SCUBA newsletter. We have so many members now we actually are considering breaking into the new Hawai'i Convention Center for our annual national conference.
First, on the news front, we are happy to announce that Keith Kaneshiro says he's retiring as director of public safety. Keith is a great guy but he's got a real hang-up about keeping people in the bucket. When it comes to penal science -- not that kind of penal science, Wendell -- Keith's answer to everything was, "Build more prisons! Build more prisons!" That's when he wasn't yelling, "Send them to Texas! Send them to Texas!"
Needless to say, Brother Keith has not been a great friend of the small criminal. We are hoping the new director of public safety will have a little more enlightened view of dealing with small underworld businessmen (when they call us "petty criminals" I could just scream!). Does it make sense to pay $1,000 a day to lock up a burglar who pulls down only $500? Hel-l-o-o? Do the math, Mr. Jailer Man.
Luckily, law enforcement hasn't yet figured out that small-criminal business is the backbone of the underworld economy. The press tends to concentrate on your major drug dealers, your mass murderers, your politicians. Which would be fine, except people like Kaneshiro, with the help of that parole board, which, trust me, has NO sense of humor, tended to keep members of our organization locked up way too long. The average straight stiff is beginning to realize that it's an expensive proposition to keep all of us small-timers in jail, especially when the governor starts talking about building a new prison in his back yard, next to the jacuzzi and the swing set.
That's good for us, friends. The winds are changing. Yes, crime has gone down because of the harsh, unyielding and, frankly, anti-criminal bias of zealots like Kaneshiro. What do you expect, people? All the criminals are in jail! Hel-l-o-o? But whoever takes over from Kaneshiro will have to ease up. The public will demand it.
SCUBA already is lobbying state power-brokers to have someone reasonable put in as the new director. Some members have suggested we push for Chinky Mahoe to be appointed public safety director. I hope they were kidding. Our by-laws clearly bar membership to anyone who sexually assaults children. We have our standards. We may be criminals but we aren't sleazy opportunists.
The Chinky episode was instructive because it showed how screwed up the criminal legal system is. You can get sentenced to 10 years in prison for providing adult lap dancers to other consenting adults, but you get probation when you sexually assault helpless children who will carry the scars for the rest of their lives. We don't get it. But that's not our department.
SCUBA hopes the new prison director will be someone like Judge Sandra Simms. She let a guy convicted of an assault remain free even AFTER he was sentenced to prison! Fabulous! Cheers until next month. And remember, when it comes to crime, size is important: Keep it small. Using a gun in the commission of a crime is like buying an airplane ticket to Texas. So Just Say No Magnums.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
http://starbulletin.com/lite
