THE dark forces that launched a cowardly and unjustified attack on a just and worthy global enterprise have been vanquished. Hold the mayo
lawsuit! We won!I'm not talking about the United States' attack on terrorists in Sudan and Afghanistan. I'm talking about a federal magistrate's dismissal this week in San Francisco of a frivolous and mean-spirited lawsuit against yours truly and my Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club.
U.S. Magistrate Phyllis Hamilton threw out (with a vengeance, I might add) the suit brought by an upstart clothing and record store owner who, although he has no aversion to mayonnaise, chose to name his store No Mayo.
I don't usually air my own laundry in this space. Well, I guess I do. I air it, wash it, dry it, press it, fold it and put it away nicely. But I haven't aired all of the details of this lawsuit because I felt it would be self-indulgent, or at least more self-indulgent than usual.
But I did mention here that the case had been filed so I feel I should report on the outcome.
I started the I Hate Mayonnaise Club in 1988 after writing here about my aversion to the dreaded white gunk. Soon I had members from almost every state in the country. I put out a copyrighted newsletter, the No Mayo News. In 1995, I got an Internet web site and it became the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club. Eventually, we had members from Germany to France (the long way around.)
Then Dave Donnelly brought me a No Mayo logo T-shirt he bought at a San Francisco street fair. (This is ALL Dave's fault.) I called the guy who owned the No Mayo store (I refuse to sully this column with his actual name) and we hit it off. I put a blurb on my site suggesting my members buy his logo clothes. He sent me a letter saying he might even buy an ad on my page.
SEVERAL months later, I offered to sell the club to him. He refused, saying he didn't hate mayonnaise. He offered to trade his web site for mine. I refused. By then, I had national and international coverage, coverage I offered to share with him by linking his site to mine.
Instead, he decided to simply take my site. He obtained a federal trademark for the phrase "No Mayo" last year, even though I've been using it for the past 10 years. Then he sicked his lawyers on me, ordering me stop using the phrase "no mayo". They sued in federal court in San Francisco, accusing me of fraud, to get my web site. I have to admit, damn it, it hurt my feelings.
Despite its international nature, the club has never been a big money maker. I'm sure they believed that only a completely crazy fool would be dumb enough to fight it from so far away.
Well, I guess I showed them.
John Perkin, the Memminger Family Attorney General, stepped forward to fight for my honor, which, frankly, is more than I ever did.
John walked into court in San Francisco for me on Tuesday and not only convinced the magistrate to dismiss the suit, but to dismiss it from the bench right then and there. That's rare in federal civil cases.
I mention my attorney's name not to plug his firm (Perkin and Hosoda). He doesn't need this kind of business (the non-bill-paying variety). But he took the case anyway and I feel I should publicly acknowledge the gracious efforts by John and his entire staff.
I am lucky to have some extremely good friends. But the cost of having to infringe on their good will is more than monetary. It is a debt of friendship I'll be paying off for many years simply because one little guy 2,500 miles away with a nonprofit store and a pro bono attorney tried to take something that didn't belong to him.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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