SO, there I was enjoying the happy glow of confusion that enveloped me after the president's drive-by confession when I began to fantasize about the huge effect it will have on modern television. Clinton rules
late night televisionFade in ...
Producer: Great show, Seymour. Ratings went through the roof. For a pilot, it was kind of short, but I think we might be able to convince the studio to give us a contract for 12 more episodes.
Seymour: Episodes? Pilot? That wasn't a pilot, sir. That was President Clinton's apology to the country for having had something resembling but apparently almost completely unlike actual sex in the White House.
Producer: Apology? Seymour, you amaze me. That was no apology. If anything, it was merely a mea gulpa.
Seymour: A mea gulpa?
Producer: Yeah, It's like a mea culpa, except you are thrown up against a wall and people point rifles at you. I want more.
Seymour: But, sir, the president says it's time to put this matter behind us. It's time to move forward.
Producer: Move forward? Are you insane? No, moving forward! We camp here. Water the horses. Pitch the tents. This is the Ponderosa of Ratings.
Seymour: I don't know, sir. The latest polls say that people don't want to hear anymore about this story.
Producer: Seymour, I know you're the station owner's nephew, but if you say anything that stupid again, I'll smack you with a teleprompter. Those are polls of ALL Americans, not Americans who watch TV. TV watchers want more, more, more!
Seymour: I have to admit, that was the best late-night numbers we've ever had. But there's no way we can get Clinton to do a regular gig. Maybe he'll invade Iraq.
Producer: Invade Iraq? Are you crazy? You know how expensive covering a war is? No, we want Bill. In a chair. With some fake flowers behind him. Perfect demographics, low production costs.
Seymour: But he can't confess more than once.
Producer: Sure he can. There's Paula, Gennifer, Kathleen, Sharon . . . God, we might be talking syndication after two years! Confession may be good for the soul, but it's dynamite for ratings.
Seymour: But how do we know he won't lie again?
Producer: Who cares? Lying's cool. But before each show we'll put him under oath: "Mr. President, do you swear to be legally accurate, be wholly legally accurate and to be nothing but legally accurate, so help you God?"
Seymour: I don't know, sir...
Producer: And we'll have a patriotic lead in, like, you know, rework the Declaration of Independence to make it more relevant to the Trickle Down Morality crowd: "We hold these legally accurate thingies to be self evident, that all men are created theoretically equal . . ."
Seymour: My uncle might not . . .
Producer: Uncle? Great idea! Our co-host will be Uncle Sam, Ed McMahon in a big hat. He'll say things like: "Honesty is one of the better policies. Being legally accurate is the best policy." Boffo stuff!
Seymour: There is a slight possibility the president might be impeached.
Producer: Argh! Bite your tongue, you nitwit. Don't even breathe that. My God. Al Gore as president. Viewers will stay away in droves. Gore is so boring he could kill radio. He thinks television commercials cause global worming.
Seymour: I believe that's warming, not worming.
Producer: Whatever. The man's a ratings assassin. No, we need more Bill. All Bill, all the time. Must See Bill Confess TV, Seymour. That's the ticket.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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