REAL life plays itself out daily in the newspaper, but not necessarily where you'd expect. How much is that
doggie in the paper?For the real stories of the human condition, go to the classifieds. There, in stark three-line stanzas, people's personal victories, losses and near-misses are laid out in a brutally honest, pay-by-the-word format. From lost cats to lost businesses, from used cribs to cemetery plots for sale, life's grandeur and pitfalls are unblinkingly exposed.
Whoa. That's a pretty heavy intro for what I wanted to talk about today, which, basically, is how to get a free dog.
I was going through the classifieds when I came across this one: "Filthy rich, attractive widow seeks large newspaper columnist for fun, intimate companionship and guaranteed weight loss."
Just kidding. I haven't seen that one yet. But no harm in looking, right?
The one I actually saw was: "Free Handicapped Small Poodle. Needs Good Home/Yard. 263-3250."
Now, if that doesn't tug on the old heart strings, you should flip to the cemetery-plots-for-sale ads because you don't have a pulse.
I immediately envisioned one of those little dogs whose paralyzed back legs have been slung over a contraption with little wheels that allows the dog to scoot around the house like a miniature rickshaw. Or I imagined it was one of those dogs with narcolepsy who fall over fast asleep every 3 minutes. Or, perhaps it was one of those exceptionally nervous poodles who look like they've got about 400 volts of electricity continually running through them.
Being an investigative humorist, I had to find out. So I called the number and talked to Joyce Hunter of Enchanted Lake, the dog's owner.
The poodle's name is Spinner and his handicap is that he can't hear. I have to admit, I was just a little disappointed. As handicaps go, a hearing deficit isn't up there with, say, having only three legs or being an excessive drooler.
"He also has a lazy eye," Hunter said.
WELL, that's better, I thought, although I'm not sure what lazy eye is. My dog Boomer seems to have a lot of lazy parts, and I don't consider him handicapped.
But Hunter convinced me that a dog that can't hear, especially an 8-month-old, 7-pound poodlette, needs special care.
"I want to find a perfect home," Hunter said. "Preferably with an older couple who will really dote on her. And they have to have a yard."
Hunter has two other non-handicapped poodles, Spinner's mom and pop. She sold two others, Spinner's brothers.
Poodles are highly sought after in Hawaii, so they cost upward of $500 per pooch. Hunter is so anxious to find Spinner a good home that all she wants is to give her away. For someone in the market for a poodle and doesn't mind one that's a bit defective, Spinner sounds like a great deal. Getting a purebred dog for free whose only handicap is that it can't hear and has a lazy eye is kind of like getting a brand new Geo without a CD player.
Although Spinner has no outstanding talents, like, she doesn't roll over on command or say "Yo Quiero Taco Bell," she does like to run in circles and play with paper towel tubes.
"She loves to be loved and needs a good, safe home, someone who will give her the understanding that a dog with a challenge deserves," she says.
That, unfortunately, doesn't include children, Hunter says.
So, if you are an adult poodle person, call the phone number above. If Spinner already is taken, go down to the Hawaiian Humane Society. They have loads of dogs who also need good homes. And they are also free.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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