I'M beginning to think that maybe they should set up a big gate on the bridge to the next millennium, sort of like "Checkpoint Charlie," which stood between East and West Berlin during the Cold War. A bridge that’s
way too farMaybe the next millennium would be a lot better off if we just kept a lot of people from crossing that bridge. I fear that if we just let anyone cross willy-nilly, it will come to resemble a massive Disney parade of crazy people in funny hats dragging all their weird hang-ups, prejudices and small unnecessary appliances into the next 1,000 years.
Vice President Al Gore is the first person who shouldn't be allowed to cross the bridge since all he ever does is yap about it. He wants to be the president to lead us into the new millennium, which is a scary thought. I know it is the Age of Technology, but I think we should have someone leading us across that bridge who has a pulse. Or, at least more of a pulse than R2-D2.
In reality, there is no bridge to the new millennium. There's not even a knotted rope or bicycle path (although Gore will surely introduce legislation for the bike path before this is all over).
If it weren't for that stupid Year 2000 computer bug that threatens all life as we know it, or at least, all toasters, missile guidance systems and garage door openers, the first day of the so-called new millennium would be just another day.
The modern calendar is just a big picture frame through which we choose to view the natural world. Here's a little secret: if we didn't have calendars, life would go on. Life, the planets, everything -- they don't need us or our stinkin' calendars.
There have been and will be many examples of nuttiness during these next hypothetical years leading up to the hypothetical new millennium. We've already had some goofballs in California eat poisoned pudding to try to spiritually catch a passing asteroid. Trust me, that's only going to seem like the ceremonial first pitch in the World Series compared with the craziness to come.
In Hawaii, we have the self-appointed Millennium Guy, a local tour guide who has decided it is his mission to promote the notion that the new millennium begins in the year 2000, not 2001 as many calendar-philes believe.
His name is Alex Marrack and he's not crazy. He's just sort of obsessed with this 2000 vs. 2001 issue.
"Since most Americans reportedly lack the knowledge and mental abilities necessary to find Mexico on an unmarked map, it must be assumed that many people ... do not understand why the year 2000 will not start the new millennium," he wrote me.
He then goes into a fairly hairy explanation of the confusion, dating back to some monk who died in 540 (or was it 541?) which caused my eyes to rapidly glaze over. He asked for suggestions on how to get his message out to the world.
Well, Alex, I'd start by not insulting the mental abilities of most Americans. That comes from the "You're all idiots and let me tell you why" school of public relations and it generally doesn't make for a good reception of your ideas.
Look, Alex, by the time this new millennium comes around, no one is going to care exactly which year it actually starts. Your bank's computer inadvertently will be wiring your IRA account to some Burger King in Argentina, brown derbies will be back in fashion and cults will have their own cable channel. So all I can say is good luck on your quest.
If it turns out there is a bridge to the new millennium, I urge you all to wait calmly in line until your turn to cross comes, and then run like hell to the other side.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
http://starbulletin.com/lite