HEY there, Hawaii resident! You want Hanauma Bay filled with sharks, but you don't think brown tree snakes would make good tourist souvenirs. Bus drivers don't need pants, but graffiti vandals should be exiled to Kahoolawe and forced to dig up bombs with their teeth. Snakes bad, sharks
good, whale tastyThose are some of the highlights of the Honolulu Lite "Life in Hawaii Poll." We ran the first-part results on Wednesday. (To read those results and details of the poll methodology, go to the Honolulu Lite archive on the Internet at starbulletin.com.) Here are the rest of the findings in the most extensive, comprehensive and controversial poll on Hawaii life ever undertaken by Honolulu Lite.
We left off with discussing physical aspects of Hawaii. A surprising 50 percent of poll respondents thought the Big Island should be renamed "Volcano World." (No one voted for "Cool Island" or "Club Rose.")
How do Hawaii residents feel about Diamond Head? A whopping 60 percent feel Diamond Head is "OK." Ten percent said it is "pretty good." Ten percent thought it was "weird-looking."
If Hawaii had an official state fish, 30 percent thought it should be fried. Twenty percent thought it should be barbequed and 10 percent, strangely, thought it should be "taxed to death."
Not surprisingly, 90 percent thought brown tree snakes would not make great tourist souvenirs. (Ten percent said, "Good grief, don't be an idiot.")
Residents were more open-minded on the question: Would you ride TheBus if the driver wore no pants? Thirty percent said, "yes," 40 percent said, "maybe," and 10 percent said, "definitely, if the driver was Sandra Bullock."
BACK on the surprising side, 70 percent said Hanauma Bay should be converted into the state's first Extreme Eco-Tourist Adventure Park and stocked with live sharks.
We also found many veggie-lovers out there. Thirty percent think old sugar cane land should be used to grow asparagus and 30 percent think it should be used to grow brussels sprouts. Ten percent say it should be used to grow pakalolo and 10 percent said it should be used to grow Chad Rowen, the Hawaii sumo guy.
The dumbest plant in Hawaii, according to 30 percent of respondents, is the ficus. Other dumb plants were evenly split between the silversword, aloe vera and double carnation lei.
Half of Hawaii residents responding to the poll think the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor was "really mean." Ten percent thought it was "unsportsmanlike" and 10 percent said it was "rude."
Twenty percent of respondents thought lava is "overrated," but 50 percent consider it "hotter than McDonald's coffee."
Everyone knows that the o'o bird, or Hawaiian honey eater, is extinct. Thirty percent of Hawaii residents think it's because the o'o "tasted like chicken." Ten percent thought it had a bad attitude and 30 percent responded "who cares?"
Finally, there was overwhelming agreement (60 percent) that you should not make leis out of severed ears, dirt clods or stuffed o'o birds.
So, that's about it: a poll that will live in infamy or, at least, in Waipahu.
There was one more question in the poll that I didn't address. That was the one asking where the best place is to get a plate lunch that doesn't have any mayonnaise in the food. This wasn't an official question, I was just, you know, wondering. For those readers of good taste who care to know, the answers were: Chunky's, Kelly's, Rose City Diner and just about any Korean restaurant. Since the first three are long gone, that leaves only restaurants that serve kim chee.
Part 1 of 2
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
http://starbulletin.com/lite
