Ihave this recurring nightmare that Ginger Spice is going to end up on the Jerry Springer Show, munching on Olestra-fried potato chips and discussing whether President Clinton used Viagra when he didn't fool around with Monica Lewinski. It’s not nice to mess
with Nature SpiceIt is all so confusing. Do we really want an army of artificially skinny, hairy, horny men roaming the country? Why do we try to protect the Earth in its natural state but are so willing to ravage our own personal eco-systems with all manner of additives, supplements and derivatives?
There is a natural reason why just about everything happens, like why Michael Jordan can apparently fly through the air at will and slam dunk a basketball through a hoop 10 feet high and I get a leg cramp getting out of my comfy chair. There probably is some kind of chemical or pill that would allow me the momentary energy to run down a basketball court at full speed, jump into the air, soar toward the backboard and take a shot. Should I take that pill? No. Because it is against nature's laws that I make such a flight. I would make such a flight only once, because after I landed, my kneecaps would be embedded in my shoulder blades and -- if I lived -- I'd spend the rest of my life waddling around like a circus dwarf. A fat one.
So, is it a good thing that there is now a junk food fried in scientifically engineered oil that passes through your body's internal combustion energy-producing system without being absorbed or used for nutrition? Just because it goes through you doesn't mean it's GOOD for you. Swallow a handful of marbles and you'll have them back before sundown and not have gained a pound. But that's not what the digestive track was designed for.
HOW about Viagra? Has it occurred to anyone that there is a reason why, for many men of advancing age, Mr. Happy isn't as happy as when he was younger? Old codgers are dropping like flies after having taken Viagra and having sex. I think it's because nature does not want most of them to have sex. Think of nature as the sheriff of Dodge City. Some old desperado comes to town who has somehow got his hands on a loaded six-shooter. So Sheriff Nature disarms that guy by taking away his bullets. (He gets to keep the gun, as long as it stays holstered.) It doesn't make sense for some gun dealer to come by and rearm the guy. Someone's gonna die and it probably will be the gunman.
One of the saddest Viagra stories is the one about the old guy who hadn't had sex with his wife for about 40 years. He took Viagra and, blammo, he was back in the game. Except, he was playing the game with some new young floozie, not his wife. And so he and his wife divorced. It probably would have been better for society -- and certainly better for his wife -- if this guy hadn't gotten his hands, so to speak, on Viagra.
As for Rogaine and other hair-producing products, well, what can you say? A lush male head of hair historically has been nature's way of telling members of the opposite sex that a guy is young, virile and healthy. Mange has never been a turn-on for any species. But does a hairy head matter any more? Could Michael Jordan have won the NBA championships with a shot from half-court instead of the top of the key if he had a shaggy hairdo? I think not. Today, baldness can be a sign of virility. If Al Gore was smart, he'd quit trying to cover up that little round clearing on the top of his head and just shave off all his hair. He probably wouldn't be any more interesting, but at least he'd be fun to look at.
I don't know what all this has to do with Ginger Spice and Jerry Springer except neither of them seem to be a product of nature. And society will be better off if they don't replicate.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
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71224.113@compuserve.com.
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