View Point

Monday, June 22, 1998

Dads make a difference
to daughters

Fathers help teach women to take risks

By Betty White

Tomorrow is Father's Day -- in the minds of some not the most important holiday of the year. Yet we are living in an age when fathers are taking a more active role in raising daughters. We should celebrate that.

Fathers influence their daughters' career choices, sense of competence and worth, and willingness to take risks. Even though mothers tend to be the dominant role model for nurturing and expressive behaviors, fathers serve most often as their daughter's role model for achievement.

Girls need to be raised with an understanding that they feel as entitled to speak assertively and to present their needs as boys do. Psychologists tell us that many girls learn to develop these essential life skills by dealing with fathers and brothers.

Eleanor Linn from the University of Michigan's School of Education says we need to have fathers who tell their daughters how smart and capable they are. From her father, a daughter is more likely to believe it.

The opportunities for a father's involvement in his daughter's life are numerous:

Share special times. From watching high adventure videos with a bowl of chocolate ice cream, to body-boarding together at the beach, treasure and nurture enjoyable activities.

Get real about her future. The signs of the time clearly indicate that she will work part of her life, and her education is paramount to economic security. Continuously discuss that previously "nontraditional" careers in math, science and technology can earn more money for women.

Teach self-reliance. If you would allow a son her age to take on a paper route or to settle a situation with his peers, let her do likewise.

Pay attention to her feelings, not words. Her conversations may at times be irrational and filled with emotion. She may sound frightened and unreasonable. Forget her words; focus on what is she feeling.

Build self-esteem. Few things do more for a daughter's self-esteem than knowing that she is loved and admired by her dad.

Be a politician. Praise women in your family for traits such as ambition, physical stamina, assertiveness and humor, not only their appearance.

Play games. Teaching the skills of poker or chess will not only pass away the time on rainy weekends, but can be golden opportunities to chat, get to know one another and to have some plain ol' fun together.

Talk money. Don't give her money; insist that she earn it. And don't limit her jobs to traditional female activities like babysitting. How about hiring her to assist in repairing the deck around the pool?

Teach self-defense skills. Wrestling with brothers is not always bad. Don't always admonish brothers to leave sisters alone for fear of being hurt.

Allow room to grow and explore. The maze of peer relationships is often difficult, but giving her the freedom to explore them will improve your relationship and help her gain valuable insights about interdependence and friendship.

Encourage participation in sports. Playing sports helps to equalize gender relationships and teaches lessons that can be applied to all areas of life beyond the playing field and classroom.

Dads, such strategies will make an exciting and positive difference in your daughter's life and add to the fullness of your family's time together.

For most girls, parents are the strongest and most direct role models on which they base their own aspirations and identities. Dads can do much to nurture their daughters' growth by affirming for them that their experiences are relevant, valid and meaningful.

In fact, helping a daughter develop confidence and a strong voice is one of the greatest gifts a father can give her.

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Betty White is principal of Sacred Hearts Academy,
an all-girls' school in Kaimuki.