OLD Blue Eyes left the auditorium, former astronaut Gordo Cooper landed in the isles, Richard "Shogun" Chamberlain surfaced for a rare home-turf appearance and Donald Trump fled the Big Pineapple for the Big Apple. What better time to go to the mail bag for a special star-studded edition of "Mister Huh?", where we find out what's in the hearts and minds of all those "extras" out there in that big sound stage called life. Mr. Huh
gazes at the starsQuestion: Mister, I went to a couple of those pre-Miss Universe Pageant events and I saw Donald Trump. Everywhere The Donald went, there was, like, this enormous thing in a suit following him. What the hell was that, huh?
Answer: You're lucky you didn't ask Trump that question or that "thing" might have popped your head back like a Pez dispenser. That was Trump's bodyguard, you nitwit.
Q: Mister, Hi. It's me again. Why does The Trumpster need a bodyguard in such a laid-back place like Hawaii? Does it have something to do with all those gangsters in New York, huh?
A: No, dummy. It has something to do with him OWNING the Miss Universe pageant and having 81 beautiful women armed with 5-inch stiletto heels and a fierce will to win in his general vicinity.
Q: Mister, this doesn't tie in directly with your celebrity theme today, but what did you think of those California television stations showing that idiot dying live on TV, huh?
A: It was outrageous. Especially since one station actually broke into a children's cartoon show to air the event. You know, there are about five violent acts per minute in the average children's cartoon, but those kids had to wait almost 30 minutes to see this guy kill himself.
Q: Mister, don't you think it's ironic that both the Seinfeld show and the Hawaii Legislature closed at almost the exact same time, huh?
A: I see your point. Two shows about nothing.
Q: Mister, I think everyone's making too big of a deal about former Miss Universe Brook Lee cutting her hair in the middle of the pageant, like it was some form of self-mutilation. That is so sexist! I mean, Congressman Neil Abercrombie cut off his trademark hair and no one accused him of mutilating himself. They thought he was merely turning his back on his radical roots in order to appeal to the establishment patsies he once legitimately despised. Why is it OK for a guy to cut his hair but when a woman does it it's like she's trying out for "Play Misty For Me," huh?
A: I don't know. God knows what people will say when Brook clips her nails and flosses her teeth. They'll want her committed.
Q: Mister, this sort of ties in with your celebrity theme today. I just can't get over the name of the Big Island guy who is accused of killing Dana Ireland: Albert Schweitzer. What kind of a parent would name their kid Albert Schweitzer? Talk about pressure. I think when you name your kid after some historical figure known for his gifts to humanity you ought to do everything you can to make sure that he doesn't grow up to be the kind of guy that allegedly would rape and kill a helpless girl. I mean, don't you think the world is screwed up enough without our death rows and life-sentence cellblocks filled up with the likes of Albert "Lady Killer" Schweitzer, Jacques "The Terminator" Cousteau and Mahatma "Machine Gun" Gandhi, huh?
A: I hear ya. I saw the name of this lowlife, and I cringed. You hate to see a headline like "Albert Schweitzer Held In Grisly Rape/Murder." I was afraid to turn the page of the newspaper for fear of reading that Mother Teresa and Dr. Livingston had knocked off a 7-Eleven.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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