I used to think that I was merely a worrier. Now, I'm convinced it is much more serious than that. In fact, I think people who relentlessly worry about things, even things that don't need worrying about, suffer from a disease. Future shock
costs just a pennyIn the old days, in order to have a disease, you had to have germs. Now, anything that happens to you that you can't control is a disease. Drink too much? You've got a disease. Like sex too much? It's a disease.
Excessive worrying is a disease. I've even coined a hip new phrase to describe it: Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I was going to call it Chronic Worry Syndrome, but that simply describes the physical act of worrying. It doesn't address the root of the worry, which essentially is fear of the future.
Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome is something like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome refers to disabilities suffered by people who have been through some devastating experience, like the Vietnam War or finding out on the Jerry Springer show that your girlfriend has been dating your mother.
People suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome are edgy, nervous and don't like ceiling fans or traffic helicopters. They often drink heavily, abuse drugs and are prone to bouts of irrational behavior, kind of like they were members of Congress.
The main difference between Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and PRE-Traumatic Stress Syndrome is that people suffering from the latter are reacting to horrible, devastating things that MIGHT happen.
This syndrome can be much harder on a person than the post traumatic kind. Where someone suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome only has to focus on one horrible thing that happened to them in the past, sufferers of Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome have to worry about virtually hundreds of things that can and probably will go wrong with their lives in the future.
AND not just their lives, personally. For instance, I've been worrying a lot lately about the penny increase for a first-class stamp. Why didn't they just raise it to a nice solid number, like 35 cents? Is the U.S. Postal Service in cahoots with the branch of government that produces pennies? Setting the stamp price at 33 cents is designed just to aggravate us, because 99.9 percent of the public would rather pay 35 cents for a stamp than have to spend time fishing around in pockets for pennies. In the real world, pennies are worthless. Why is the post office forcing us to continue using them? The bastards. How much time is wasted by postal employees making change?
I know, you think worrying about a one-cent increase in stamps is stupid. That's a mean thing to say to a guy with a serious disease.
But the penny problem is just the tip of the worry iceberg for people with Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. India just blew up three atomic bombs. Elizabeth Dole might run for president. Ellen may be too gay to get work in the film industry. Do dogs know they are naked? What happens if you take just HALF a Viagra?
I'm getting jittery.
Theoretically, Janet Reno could divide the country up into two large groups of people: 1) Independent Counsels and 2) People Under Investigation by Independent Counsels. When is Mount St. Helens going to blow up again?
I need a beer.
El Nino has caused deserts to bloom with flowers for the first time in a hundred years. Do we have to water them now to protect the new environment or do we just let everything die again?
See? Pre-traumatic Stress Syndrome is not just a disease, it's a career.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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