THERE are so many controversial things going on in the state right now that I decided to consult an old friend, the Psychic Headline Writer. Seeing future
causes ‘head’-acheHe's an ancient dude who has a tiny cluttered office buried in the bowels of the news building who has the ability to write headlines about things that will take place in the future.
It had been years since I had talked to the Psychic Headline Writer so I wasn't sure he was still there.
"I knew you were coming," he said when I reached his cubbyhole.
Well, I did call first.
"That's how I knew you were coming."
Maybe he's slipping a bit in his old age, I thought. So, I asked, what are some of the headlines you're working on.
"Put New Prison Here! Say Niihau Residents"
You're kidding?
"Nope," he said. "They've already agreed to have missile launch sites, why not a prison? The Big Island doesn't want it. Niihau residents are lonely, I think. And they want their own McDonald's."
I hadn't heard that. Any others?
"City Sports Czar Sid Fernandez Demands Raise."
What? That's crazy! He's about to be fired!
"Exactly," the psychic said. "It's an old pitcher's ploy. Mufi Hannemann is crowding the plate so you fire one inside and move him back. Best defense is a good inside fast ball, buddy."
This is amazing. Any others?
"Terrance Tom Proposes Air-Conditioned Condos For All Pets."
Get outta here.
"Trust me. Tom's got his finger on the pulse of voters. Most voters have pets. Tom feels their pets' pain."
But we have homeless people living in tents!
"Like they vote," he harrumphed. "Here's one that just came to me: OHA Board Makes Peace; Clayton Hee and Frenchy DeSoto Kiss On Lips."
No way, I said.
"Way," he said. "It's a little hazy but I'm also picking up a headline about Hee and DeSoto opening up a McDonald's together on ... there it is ... Niihau. Trust me, it's a lock."
OK. I'm just a little surprised. Any others?
"Bishop Estate Trustees Agree To Work For Free Until All Children Of Hawaiian Ancestry Receive Superior Education."
That's a long headline.
"Yeah, well, I'm still working on it," he said.
Seems unlikely to me, I said.
"What do you know, you're reading today's paper today," he said bitterly. "I'm readin' tomorrow's paper yesterday. It's a gift."
Sorry.
"Here's a stunner," he said cheerily. "Ben Cayetano Reelected Governor By Landslide. 'Tax Us More!' Yell Jubilant Crowds!'"
Wow, I said.
"That's nothing. How about this one: Rene Mansho Elected Mayor. Fills Post Harris Left to Run for Gov."
I don't know what to say. I'm astonished.
"The future's an astonishing thing, kid," the psychic said.
I guess so. It's just amazing. I mean, last time I checked in with you, what was it, seven years ago, every headline you wrote came true. But these are just so incredible. Has anything happened to you recently that might have affected your psychic abilities?
"Nah," he said, rubbing a scar on his forehead. "Well, there was the accident."
Accident?
"Got hit by a truck. Spilled some of my marbles. But they put them all back and I'm good as new. Wait here comes another headline from the future: Snowball DOES Have Chance In Hell."
I decided it was time to leave.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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