IT'S pretty cool that a puny little planet on the outskirts of a probably puny little galaxy has the guts to hold a contest to find and proclaim the most beautiful female life form in the entire universe. Beauty’s in the
ahs of beholdersIt's also cool that the pageant to pick the most beautiful female life form in the universe will be held on a little speck of land in the middle of the Pacific.
By my book, that makes Oahu the most important speck of land in the entire universe, at least while the Miss Universe pageant is going on, which it will be next month.
Now, a lot of spoil-sports think it's silly to hold a contest to pick out the most beautiful female life form in the universe, or even in America for that matter. What about male life forms? Don't they deserve a beauty contest? (As a guy who couldn't even win Mr. Most Beautiful Male Life Form in That Corner of the Room, I say no.)
Others ask how indigenous earthlings can presume to crown the most beautiful female life form in the universe without at least sending invitations to a couple of nearby solar systems.
I admit, it's seems a bit cheeky. But not one of those aliens who apparently run rampant across the country abducting people from trailer parks and eviscerating cattle have filed a complaint about not being invited to the Miss Universe pageant.
Besides, America doesn't even let countries like Brazil and Uganda compete in the "World Series of Baseball," why should Earth let other planets compete in the Miss Universe Pageant?
There are other good reasons not to throw open the Miss Universe pageant to alien species, not the least of which is how difficult the judging would be. I mean, some people already think there should hold two Miss Universe pageants: one for contestants who have had their physical assets artificially inflated and one for contestants who appear without augmentation. Imagine if we had to start figuring out whether true beauty in the universe involves having several tentacles and whether those tentacles are natural or surgically enhanced.
AT least on Earth, we've come to a general global understanding of what true beauty for the female form is and we are able to stage large pageants to isolate the most poised and beautiful women in the world.
Some people are always going to be against contests in which the attractiveness of a person is the key to winning. This ignores the obvious survival-of-the-fittest nature of animals, including humans. Historically, the most attractive animals - i.e. ones without open sores, matted hair, bad breath, etc. - have also been the healthiest. Being attracted to a "good looking" specimen of animalhood was probably safer than being attracted to a wheezing, oozing half-dead carcass of something or other. In other words, beauty equals health. And so there may be a scientific basis for why recognition of beauty has maintained such importance for humans throughout the ages.
Now, if any of you think I've analyzed this way too much, I'm with you. What we are talking about essentially is that next month a bunch of babes are going to descend on this island and compete in a pageant that will be beamed all over the planet. The contestants and viewers will enjoy it and the state will get tons of almost-free advertising.
It's basically harmless entertainment, even though some people insist on getting all worked up about it. I've found that it's pretty easy to get people on this planet worked up about all kinds of silly things. There are still people out there worked up about New Coke.
Now, where does a male life form apply to become a judge of the most beautiful female life form in the Universe?
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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