A men's magazine I used to read had a useful feature -- a monthly column called "What the Women's Magazines are Saying About Us." What women are
saying about menIt would summarize advice on taming men handed out that month to the readers of Redbook, Women's Day, Ladies' Home Journal, Cosmo and the like. Men could get a quick take on the incoming we'd soon be facing without having to wade through the articles on varicose veins, toilet cleansers and closet organizing.
Alas, the magazine didn't last long and we had to watch our own backs again. I started to scan the magazines my wife reads, but that didn't last long either. I'd find myself making involuntarily ape-like grunts after reading too many articles about decorating kitchens, selecting lamp shades and cuticle care.
This week, I decided to catch up on my homework. Here's what I found:
Something called "sock donuts" seems to have become the latest symbol of all that's wrong with men. I'm not sure what they are except that they're malodorous and have more to do with laundry than breakfast snacks.
Which leads us to another touchy issue in the gender wars -- lint traps. I'd be happy to wash my own socks, but a certain lady won't let me near the washer and dryer because I don't clean the lint trap often enough. OK, so I've never cleaned the lint trap even once. But I defy anybody to show me one single explosion that has occurred because of it.
Women hold it against us that we don't buy the toilet paper often enough, the magazines say. But we can make up for it by occasionally offering to buy our lady's tampons for her. We get double points if we carry the tampons out of the store in a see-through plastic grocery bag without looking squeamish.
A woman wrote that she was getting suspicious of her doctor, who insisted that a key part of her treatment involved taking off her blouse and bra, lying on her back and allowing him to massage her breasts for a half hour. He had just done it for the fourth straight visit.
There's a lesson for men here: If you fondle a woman under false pretenses, don't get greedy and try it more than three times. But I'd check further on that magazine before acting on this. I'll bet it's published by men who target a tiny subset of women readers who have nice breasts but are incredibly stupid.
The most alarming thing I found is that many women's magazines have far fewer articles about men than they used to. Women are too busy for us. They've moved past us. They want to read about juggling jobs and kids, quick and healthy meals, time-saving tips, beauty on the go, beating insomnia and fatigue, stress management and celebrities who have mastered all of the above.
SOME women prefer cats to men. "Our relationship is like a love affair but without the complications," one woman wrote of her cat. "He doesn't ask where I've been when I come home late at night."
What say, guys, shall we let the cat keep that one?
There were some interesting surveys. A majority of women say bald men make more trustworthy partners -- more loyal, reliable, honest and intelligent.
Thirty percent of men say their wife is the nicest person they know while only 17 percent of women say the same about their husbands. A majority of unfaithful husbands say their wives are better in bed than their lovers while most cheating wives say their lovers are better.
Jeez, I wonder if bald women make more loyal and reliable partners.
David Shapiro is managing editor of the Star-Bulletin.
He can be reached by e-mail at editor@starbulletin.com.
Volcanic Ash runs every Saturday in the Star-Bulletin.
Previous Volcanic Ash columns