Do what I mean,
By Leanne Nakamura
not what I sayMY mom yelled from the kitchen one night, "Leanne, isn't the television loud?!?"
I agreed with her, kept watching, and five minutes later, she was lecturing me about how someday I'm going to become deaf, how I should respect the fact that the next-door neighbors might be sleeping, and how I should learn how to take hints.
How was I supposed to know that she wanted me to turn down the television? She didn't ask me to.
On the other hand, my father comes into the living room and says, "Leanne, turn down the television, it's way too loud!" Unlike my mother, he's very direct about things. He doesn't expect me to read between the lines, he just expects me to hear him.
Most people think that by simply making comments, others are supposed to understand what they are saying and what they are thinking. That's probably how arguments and misunderstandings occur.
"My, this room is sooo messy!" my friend's mother said while picking clothes up from the floor and vacuuming the room. My friend looked at me and fumed after her mother left, "Is she trying to say that I can't clean my own room? That I'm a slob?"
Her mother was just trying to show that she enjoys keeping things neat around the house. The only thought that went through my mind was, "Wow, what a nice mom! She actually cleans up after her teen-age daughter instead of yelling at her to pick up her own mess!"
THERE are always two sides to a story, and sometimes messages can get confused or misinterpreted.
You pick up things in what others say depending on the type of person you are and the type of person you think the other person is.
If I'm occupied and my mother says out loud, "The dishes are dried and cleaned. Someone just needs to put them away," I would agree and go back to whatever I'm doing, not realizing that the someone she is talking about is me.
Another example is when my friend once called my house late at night. My mother picked up the phone and angrily asked my friend, "Do you know what time it is?"
My friend, not understanding that my mother didn't actually mean to ask for the time, replied, "It's 11:55 p.m."
Exasperated, my mother hung up. Five minutes later, my friend called again, not taking the hint.
My father picked up the phone and explained to him that he shouldn't be calling so late at night and that next time he should call earlier.
Another time, I told a friend, "You have a loud stereo!"
She instantly turned it down, but on the other hand, if I told my other friend the same thing, she would nod and shout over the music, "Isn't it cool?"
Sometimes, it's better not to get defensive about comments from others. It may lead to misunderstandings. If someone says something that you think shouldn't have been said at all, ask yourself if you're reading too much into it.
Repeat what they said, rather than what you thought they had said. You might realize that maybe it wasn't what you thought it was.
An example of this is when I told my friend that I thought her boyfriend is cute. She immediately started wondering if I was somehow trying to think of ways to steal him from her.
People need to learn that some things are not meant to be analyzed. At the same time, others need to learn how to be more direct. "Say what you mean and mean what you say" is great advice.
Leanne Nakamura is a sophomore at Castle High School. Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature
allowing those 12 to 22 to serve up fresh perspectives.
Speak up by fax at 523-8509; by answering machine at 525-8666;
snail mail at P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu 96802;
or e-mail, features@starbulletin.com
