Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, March 18, 1998

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Caution dear readers:
Satire ahead

Acolumnist friend on the mainland tells the story of how he once wrote a satirical piece that was intended to support homosexuals.

The trouble with satire is that some people just don't get it and things can get nasty real fast.

That's what happened to my columnist buddy. An angry colleague came up to him and attacked him for airing his homophobic diatribe in the paper. My friend pointed out that it was obviously satire. His angry colleague, unappeased, yelled, "Why don't you label your columns satire if that's what they are!"

To which my friend responded, "Why don't you label your articles bull---!"

I, too, dip into the writing realm of satire from time to time and have felt the sting of readers who "just don't get it."

A call early Sunday morning to my home by a fairly high elected official reminded me of how dangerous satire can be. I wrote a satirical piece last week in which I explained how -- because of an illness that left me bedridden for several days, subject to massive amounts of daytime television -- real events and people had melded in my mind with characters and plots of soap operas and other television trash.

I had strung a lot of soap opera cliches together for "Days of Our Council Lives" and "Another Council World" and placed certain legislative leaders on the daytime talk shows.

I won't name the elected official who called, but he said some of his friends had read the column and believed I was making unfounded accusations of a felony nature against his family members.

I pointed out that anyone with half a brain could tell that the entire column was satire, thereby inadvertently insulting several of the gentleman's friends. I've got to learn to shut up.

Anyway, I thought that if so many people had missed the point, I had better clear the air. And so, I offer the following clarifications for the satirically impaired:

As far as I know, Councilwoman Rene Mansho is NOT in a coma and Councilman Jon Yoshimura does NOT have amnesia (don't hold me to this, though.) Yoshimura also did NOT save city Managing Director Bob Fishman from drowning.

Councilman Mufi Hannemann does NOT have a secret disease that he doesn't want the evil Erica to find out about. Mufi's daughter is NOT in prison after being accused falsely of killing her husband who was NOT having an affair with the evil Erica.

State Rep. Terrance Tom has NOT -- yet, anyway -- appeared on the Jenny Jones show dressed as the construction guy from the "Village People." And I have no proof that House Speaker Joe Souki even owns any leopard-skin Speedos.

The "Price is Right" has not become an official branch of the U.S. government, although I think it might be worth trying.

I don't believe there is a guy named "Billy" on the state Commission on Judicial Conduct. But if there is, I'm sure he didn't win a goat, shoat or Croat in the "Showcase Showdown" or by spinning Bob Barker's "Big Wheel."

Gov. Ben Cayetano did NOT engage Martha Stewart in "Nude Mud Budget Wrestling," although the election campaign season is still young and I think a lot of people would enjoy seeing such a spectacle.

So there you have it. That's about as clear as I can make things for those of you who don't quite grasp the subtleties of advanced satirical humor writing. That's not an insult, really.

Forget that I said anyone with half a brain would have known not to take anything in the column seriously. There are lots of people out there with less than half a brain who probably got it. Damn. There I go again.