Changing Hawaii

By Diane Yukihiro Chang

Monday, March 9, 1998

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If it's not one conspiracy, it's another

THANK goodness we live in a paranoid world. Otherwise, it would be way too boring around here. Now, whenever anything monumental happens, a colorful conspiracy theory is designed, intricately woven and shared - just like a stunning hand-made Hawaiian quilt.

Nationally, the biggest example is the Monica mess, where - according to Hillary and the Dems - dastardly ultra-conservative radicals are trying to destroy Bill's presidency by implying he had sex with a White House intern. Why, those dirty rats! Or is it just the antics of a dirty old man?

Internationally, Dodi Fayed's father is saying that his son and Diana were actually murdered by British fiends who didn't want to see them marry and have children. That's a much more exciting hypothesis than the couple "merely" dying in a car wreck, as they (sans seat belts), a body guard and an inebriated driver raced away from bothersome photographers.

With all due humility, however, the absolute best conspiracy theories are whipped up right here in modern-day Hawaii.

Maybe it's because we'd all get rock fever if there wasn't something to concoct and then debate. Or maybe this place does indeed have some of the most diabolical characters in the history of island politics, business and even the news media.

For example, when it comes to the yucky local economy, is the following truth or fiction?

Large Hawaii companies, which usually try to downplay their layoffs, are publicizing their work-force cutbacks to pressure legislators into passing the controversial proposals of the Economic Revitalization Task Force.

The recession is being made to seem worse than it really is so that the gambling industry can get its foot in the door.

The bad economy is being sensationalized by media who are merely out to sell more newspapers and to boost their TV news ratings.

The recession is being played up so Republicans can actually win more seats in the Legislature or even, gasp, the governor's race this year!

Legislators are only floating the idea of cutting salaries, holidays and benefits for state government workers so when they don't actually do these things at the end of the session, they'll be returned to power by a grateful electorate.

The culprits really responsible for worsening the economy are the Bishop Estate trustees, who are trying to divert attention from their legal woes and investigation by the state attorney general.

The economy really isn't that bad, but this is the only way the governor and Legislature can slash government jobs without getting public union leaders and members all huhu.

HERE, however, is my absolute favorite conspiracy theory: Hawaii's floundering economy is payback time after years of corporate and investor greed; for overindulgence and overspending; for being too dependent on Japanese money; for increasing the size of government for the sole purpose of creating jobs and catering to public unions; for not privatizing more services; for perpetuating the myth that education is the state's number one priority; and because the same old political hacks are re-elected over and over again, thereby nurturing the status quo.

Phew! Remember what they say about paranoia - you're NOT being paranoid if they really ARE out to get you.