EL Niño may be causing tornadoes in Florida and sea cliffs to crumble in California, but I'm convinced it has unleashed a far more sinister problem in Hawaii, namely ants. El Niño makes matters
really antsySome friends were wallowing in happiness that El Niño's main effect on Hawaii has been beautiful blue skies and great surf.
That may be true, but all this dry weather apparently has caused the local ant population to go loco and attempt to move indoors. Why ants don't like it outside when the weather is nice, I don't know.
But I have been having a running, pitched battle with three distinct types of ants for the past three months.
First, there are these enormous creatures that come loping across the living room floor, apparently looking for a gecko to mug or something. They show up one at a time, just sort of cruising around, not even looking for food. I think they are in an El Niño daze.
Next, there are the regular Hollywood central-casting type black ants that form mind-numbing, complicated supply lines through the house just to get at a single grain of rice or a speck of cereal. I found a mob of them swarming all over a bread crumb.
When I followed the trail, it went over the refrigerator, down the doorway molding, turned right into the dining room, cut left along the edge of the carpet, set out across the vast sea of hardwood floor until it reached the front door, climbed up the outside wall, went along the roof, came back down at the edge of the house, climbed along the stair railing, zigged down several steps, then disappeared into a rock wall. For all I know, it continued until it reached Ford Island.
I don't know about you, but this seems like real manpower overkill. There must be tons of dead bugs and stuff outside that the ants could have gotten to much easier instead of setting up this vast supply route that would have stunned Hannibal and most of his elephants.
But the most annoying ants are these tiny blighters who seem to have no real base of operations and come rushing out as soon as you place a dirty plate on the counter. They have no fear of death. Although, every once in a while, if you surprise them while they are in the sink, they'll try a mass getaway, which is pretty comical to watch. Right up until you nuke 'em.
These are the stupidest, hungriest little ants I've ever seen. They will wade through a lake of Raid just to get at a fork with a tad of jelly on it. I quit spraying Raid in the kitchen because it stinks up the place and half the time I forget where I sprayed so I end up making a sandwich on the counter I poisoned earlier in the day.
Instead, I've found that Formula 409, that glass-and-counter spray stuff works just as well. You also can lay down perimeters of 409 around the toaster or sink that keep the ants from crossing. I don't know why they hate 409, but they do. They're indifferent about Pledge and Joy.
You never see these three types of ants mingling. They apparently have come to a turf agreement: the black ants get the bread counter, the tiny ants get the sink vicinity and the big lopers just get to hang around by the television.
I don't know what to do about them. We are sort of locked in a long, Vietnam War standoff. It would be nice if U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan would drop by and find a diplomatic solution to the crisis, but I'm not hopeful.
I'm counting on the ant plague being just an El Niño-related event and that as soon as it's dispersed, the ants will return to their homeland. I wonder if I can get federal disaster aid.