Women say it's the
By Nadine Kam
little things that count, but men
don't dare go there
Assistant Features Editor
Star-BulletinAs long as men and women exist on the same planet, there will be gender debates and expectations that build up 'til Valentine's Day, leading to a one-day explosion of champagne, flowers, chocolates and sometimes jewels -- the stuff men think women want. But come on girls, are we really that easy? HER VIEW
Few women will reject a dozen roses and a pound of chocolate truffles, but many say it will take more to impress them than busting out a credit card. Brace yourself guys -- women want romance.
Deborah Gibson, a special events promoter married two years, said, "I don't need to go out to an expensive restaurant. I don't need him to buy me long-stemmed roses. I'd like to have an intimate, wonderful night alone in our house. I expect romance more than a gift, although a gift would be nice too."
Having dinner at home Valentine's Day means she would do the cooking because her husband doesn't cook at all. "But I don't mind," she said. "That would be my gift to him.
"I just need him to come in with the music and the candlelight and be 100 percent there. You know how that can be. They're there, but they're thinking of work or something."
Susan Lane, an investment assistant at Dean Witter, who is in dating mode, said "Women want something small -- a card, a thought. I've cried over a card I've gotten, but I never cried over a blouse.
"Any type of surprise would be wonderful. We want men to show they've taken the initiative. There's nothing worse than a guy looking at you and asking, 'What do you want?' Forget it!"
A nice card or a single rose would be enough for Bonnie Valdriz, Lane's co-worker at Dean Witter. She's been married two years and laments, "When we were dating I would get tons of cards and a little present every now and then. Now that we're married -- pffft -- that's all gone. He says he's busy, he has to work on the lawn, he has too much to do."
The price of romance?
12.5 ounce heart-shaped box of Godiva chocolates from Liberty House, $55.
This Valentine's Day, she and her husband are celebrating their anniversary in Las Vegas, a mutual gift which she said they both planned, but which involved her making all the reservations.
There is some sympathy for the plight of the male animal, who is forced to live up to the fabled image of the knight in shining armor, but not much.
Lane said women also deal with the pressure of coming up with surprises for their significant others, but said, "Men aren't comfortable being sentimental, so that's why it's a little bit harder for them."
Some men are more problematic than others. Kimberly Kahale's boyfriend of four months is a divorced father of two, and she said, "I don't expect anything because I know how he is. I had to make sure I told him Saturday is Valentine's Day, make sure you don't have your kids.' "
She said she learned her lesson when she was disappointed last Christmas, the couple's first together. "I didn't ask for anything, I didn't get anything. So now I don't wait. I choose the restaurant I want to go to, I plan it, grab his checkbook and just do it."
Kahale said she's had other boyfriends who were far more romantic, but she's standing by her man, Valentine-challenged and all.
"I do love him," she said. "I'll train him."
In all fairness, men should be applauded for their valiant Valentine's Day efforts. In their eyes, the exchange of gifts and sentiment is weighted toward women's benefit. Plus, it's not a man's kind of holiday. HIS VIEW
Marketing executive Phil Ammon said a man's kind of holiday would celebrate a sports event like the Super Bowl, and he'd be glad if women shared his gender's enthusiasm for such days.
"It's funny that Valentine's Day is not really a holiday. It's just a day that we've created with its own set of rules that we're all brought up to follow. I think it's kind of goofy to have one day designated for lovers to exchange their feelings when you should be doing that anyway."
But give him credit for knowing all the rules and penalties attached with V-Day after spending six years with one person, two years engaged.
"Valentine's Day is a big deal to the extent that if I forgot it, it would be a big deal," he said. "It's not that I forgot before, but she has expectations of holidays and wants me to be the type to remember them."
After all the bowing, scraping and romancing, what do men expect to get on Valentine's day? The unanimous answer was, "Not much, at least a card."
Although women are credited with being the thoughtful, sentimental gender, over at Fujikami Florist, men comprise 95 percent of flower buyers this time of year. What's more, owner Steve Fujikami says men buy more flowers than women throughout the year.
Rudy, an insurance agent who did not want to reveal his last name said that little boys learn early to lower their expectations.
"In grade school you have to give out little Valentine's cards and the girls get most of them."
Rob Schienle, an Aloha Airlines pilot, agreed, saying, "As a kid I looked forward to each Valentine card, but later it seemed the day passed over to women. It's really is a women's holiday. Look at the symbols, all hearts and flowers and la-di-da."
"The expectation is higher for men to give gifts and dinner, stuff like that," said ad salesman Stene Tsutsumi. "If you don't do it, it's bad."
Note that all these men have given the required allotment of gifts and flowers on Valentine's Days past, so have never been punished for forgetting. Yet they live in fear of retribution should they fail to deliver the goods tomorrow.
"It's a gut feeling," said Tsutsumi, whose girlfriend has been out of town a week, but returns on Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Survey
Second choice: A night on the town (for 18- to 24-year-olds)
Second choice: A quiet evening at home (ages 24 and older)
With a kiss: 64 percent
With breakfast: 20 percent
Data: Survey from Blistex, Inc. If you ever believed that men are dense or insensitive to hints -- which seem to hit a crescendo on or around Super Bowl time -- they are more aware of Valentine's Day than they let on.
Schienle said his wife, designer Lisa Schienle, tried to remind him during the Super Bowl that he needed to make dinner reservations.
"She thinks she's gotta hint, but I think women have to give men a chance to show what they can do.
"Most of the creative stuff was done prior to the marriage, but it's fun to be creative for these occasions because it puts a spark into the relationship.
"You've got to be spontaneous at other times too. Weekend getaways, things like that, are essential for a healthy marriage."
Lisa added that keeping a lengthy list of baby sitters for such occasions is also essential.
You may already be in trouble if a woman feels she has to hint. Ammon said, "They don't want to feel like they have to hint. They want us to already know. It's a very hard process to become educated, and it's an ongoing process as well."
Rudy said his girlfriend hinted by showing up with Valentine's cookies she'd purchased at a mall two weeks ago. That led to the joint decision that they would spend the evening on a sunset cruise, but he said she did all the planning and reservations work.
There may be some proof that men are more into show than sentiment, since Fujikami said sales of flowers always drop in years like this one, when Valentine's Day falls on a weekend. The thought there may be, why go through the motions when your audience numbers only one.
Perhaps one of the best ways for men to avoid Feb. 14 pressure would be to move to Japan. There, says Hawaii Pacific University student Misako Hakozaki, "On Valentine's Day girls are supposed to give gifts to guys, like chocolate."
Of course, women have a tendency to be more showy. She said, "I think most of the girls these days give fancy presents to guys, like Gucci (accessories). They spend a lot."
In return, the men get to reciprocate on White Day, March 14. By then, returning the gesture is easy when he already knows the extent of her love.
With less pressure on women, Hakozaki and her friend Kaori have embraced the American version of Valentine's Day, saying, "Our boyfriends are American so we don't give anything to them."
The worst of it is, Hakozaki said, "My boyfriend knows Japanese custom, so he's been asking me, 'What will I get.'
