PEOPLE keep asking me who is going to win Sunday's Super Bore, I mean Bowl. As if I'm supposed to know. I keep telling them we're the guys who tell you the scores after the games. For the crystal ball action, you need to see Uncle Bully on River Street, or call that nice man Norman at the 800 number. Broncos can save us from Super Bore
I wish I could predict who would win games, because then I'd be very rich and could spend the two weeks leading up to Stupor Sunday (as well as game day, of course) reclused in Liechenstein or the Galapagos Islands - the only two places on the planet where no one cares what size socks Terrell Davis wears, or when Brett Favre took his first painkiller.
Actually, I hear there's also a vacant cabin in Montana that would be a good hideout. It's the only residence in America without a TV set, and the guy who lived there won't be back anytime soon.
Now, who I would like to win is a better question. That's one I can answer - Denver. The AFC needs to win a Super Bowl, because it hasn't since 1984, when the Raiders beat the Redskins. It's just not healthy for society to have half of the NFL running around with a continuously increasing inferiority complex.
DENVER also needs to win so that Brian Peterson, whom I sit next to at work, can survive the off-season. Peterson, who comes from Minnesota, insists that Green Bay Packer fans are the worst, most obnoxious sports fans in the world - yes, even worse than Cowboy fans. Apparently, there's nothing better to do in Green Bay than put a fake piece of cheese on your head, pop open a PBR and watch the Packers.
Gotta go with Denver because of the local ties, too. Two former University of Hawaii players make them a favorite here.
I've interviewed three of the current Bronco players, and two of them, Maa Tanuvasa and Jason Elam, are among the most pleasant people I've dealt with in sports.
Wish I could say the same for John Elway. But during our brief encounter in 1988 when he arrived for the Pro Bowl, he was a total jerk.
OK, his team had just lost the Super Bowl by 32 points. OK, he had just got off a long airplane flight. OK, my first question shouldn't have been "Why did you lose the Super Bowl by 32 points?"
Speaking of the Pro Bowl, the deal with a lucky "kicker" off the street getting a chance to win $1 million for kicking a field goal at halftime is old already. Last year a guy made the 35-yarder, no problem.
Let's take this to the next level. This year, suit up the contestant. Give him a ball at the 10 yard line. Put someone like Jack Lambert or Dick Butkus at the 5. If the poor schmuck gets into the end zone, he's earned the mil.
sss
STEVE Hamada, a displaced Islander who reads us online in Seattle, asks what was on that piece of paper Billy Tubbs gave to Riley Wallace after Texas Christian thumped the Rainbows on Monday night. Well, it was not directions to Tubbs' Super Bowl party.
It was a transcript of a postgame radio show from Saturday in which Wallace and Rainbow broadcasters Bobby Curran and Jeff Portnoy took some shots at Tubbs and his TCU program.
A Horned Frog fan picked up the broadcast from the Internet, typed it up and gave it to Tubbs.
On the transcript, Bobby "Carr" and, especially Jeff "Fortnoy" take rips at TCU for running up the score on opponents, among other things. Portnoy repeatedly said TCU's program was "bad for college basketball." Wallace made a joke about not being sure whether Tubbs' "wife even likes him."
The implication when Tubbs gave the transcript to Wallace was that it was what motivated his players to beat Hawaii. They needed more than a shot at a national ranking? Pretty silly, but typical Tubbs.
And much more entertaining than anything coming out of San Diego this week.
Dave Reardon is a magazine editor and freelance
writer who has covered Hawaii sports since 1977.
He can be reached via the Star-Bulletin or
by email at dreardon@hmsa.com.
