WHILE lawmakers mull over my idea to copy Montana and turn Hawaii into an offshore banking center, I've just had another great idea for wiping out the state's debt and giving the economy a hearty kick in the pants. Oprah laws could bring home bacon
Unfortunately, it all rides on Oprah Winfrey losing the lawsuit filed against her by Texas cattle ranchers.
First, let me remind you that we are trying to find a way to bring money into the state without actually having to build anything, tax anyone or spend any money. If we could do that, we wouldn't have to worry about plans to raise taxes or furlough government workers in order to slay the $300 million debt we face.
Montana simply passed a law making itself an offshore banking center, allowing foreign companies to hide money in privately owned banks the way they do in the Cayman Islands. Montana figures it might make $500 million a year on banking fees.
Other states have passed laws that might bring in just as much money. These are what I call the "No Talk Stink" laws that bar anyone from bad-mouthing a state-produced commodity.
They came about after someone talked stink about Washington state apples, setting off the alar scare. It turned out that alar, a chemical the apples are dipped in, actually - and I have to be careful here - DOESN'T make your hair fall out or result in the growth of extra fingers or toes.
Nevertheless, the apple industry took a big financial hit. So Washington passed the "No Talk Stink About Apples Law."
Now, lots of other states have passed such laws. Oprah found out about one when she talked stink about beef on her show after hearing one of those wacko vegetarian extremists warn that American beef was contaminated and could lead to mad cow disease. (Note to lawyers: Can I say "wacko vegetarian extremists" or does that violate the "California Wacko Commodity Protection Act?")
The Texas cattle ranchers sued Oprah.
This is great for Hawaii. But only if she loses. If the U.S. Supreme Court upholds these "No Talk Stink" state laws - or "Oprah Laws" as they will be called on the mainland - then Hawaii is home free.
We can pass laws blocking anyone from talking stink about Hawaii's sunshine, beaches, birds, fish, roads and, I suppose, crime rate.
And we can use those laws to generate millions of dollars in revenue for the state.
That doesn't mean we would sue everyone who gets a sunburn here and curses the sunshine. First, we would have to find out if the guy is rich or not.
If he's just some poor slob here from New Jersey on a tour, he can stand in the middle of Kalakaua Avenue and shout "Don Ho Sucks!" We don't care. Hey, America is the land of free speech!
But if he's the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and tries to talk stink about Don Ho (one of our top tourist commodities) we'll slap him with a subpoena.
Of course, it would be better to sue huge companies since they have the big bucks. And this is where the new convention center will come in handy.
The attorney general's office should form a "No Talk Stink Strike Force" and monitor convention speakers. If an official from, say AT&T, criticizes the mai tai he had for lunch - mai tais are another important Hawaii commodity - then we bang AT&T with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit. We could wipe out our state debt with that lawsuit alone.
So Oprah, as much as I love your show, I've got to side with the cowboys on this one. Say, after the trial, why don't you spend a few weeks in Hawaii. I'll send some mai tais to your table at the Don Ho show.