WHEN Montana realized it was facing economic hard times, its legislators didn't sit around wringing their hands and talking about raising taxes. Financial winds blow offshore
They simply passed a law making Montana an "offshore" banking center, meaning it will now rake in millions of bucks from people around the world who want to hide their wealth. It is estimated that Montana will receive more than $500 million yearly in fees.
It was a brilliant move because the state government doesn't have to do anything except sit back and take a cut of the hidden money. Well, Montana residents will have to hold their noses and shut their eyes to the fact that some of the money they are hiding probably comes from international drug dealing, government corruption, organized crime and various other sources generally considered along the "ill-gotten gains" line.
But the beauty of the idea is that the taxpayers of Montana didn't have to lift a finger to attract the out-of-state money. They didn't have to build a multimillion-dollar convention center, for instance. All the "banking" will be done by private companies.
Hawaii, which is staring directly at a $300 million debt, should get into this "offshore" banking game.
For one thing, we are actually off shore. Montana is more "off-Fargo, N.D." than "offshore." Not that it matters. But, as a traditionalist, I believe an offshore bank should be within a couple of hundred miles of a major body of water, preferably, an ocean. If it is completely surrounded by water, so much the better.
The Cayman Islands are a big offshore banking location. They provide the preferred offshore banking facilities used by many of your better embezzlers and narcotics traffickers.
But what makes Montana special is that it is part of the United States, the most militarily secure country in the world. Sure, you could put your money in some offshore bank on some little Caribbean island. But next week there could be a coup and all of your money would be going to buy the islanders those little Che Guevara hats.
Hawaii is just as secure militarily as Montana. Probably more so. We've got nukes all over the place, man. When was the last time a submarine loaded with nuclear missiles pulled into Billings?
IF Hawaii became an international offshore banking center, we wouldn't have to worry about legalizing gambling, raising taxes or cutting thousands of government jobs, which are the only remedies for a bad economy our idea-impaired lawmakers can come up with.
If Hawaii had made itself an offshore banking center years ago, we might have snagged those billions of dollars that Ferdinand Marcos was sneaking out of the Philippines into Swiss bank accounts. Better yet, we might have convinced Bishop Estate to stop sending all the rent money it squeezes out of local small-business people out of the state.
Now, some people are going to object to Hawaii becoming an offshore banking center on moral grounds. They'll say that simply having dirty money sitting in Hawaii will attract bad people. I have one word to say to these people: Yakuza.
No one seemed to care that during the Japanese economic boom of the '80s, a lot of Hawaii property was being bought up by Japanese organized-crime money. The guy who bought Coconut Island couldn't even visit the state because of his Yakuza connections.
So I say we ship all of our legislators to the mainland with note pads so they can sit in with the Montana legislature and learn how to make Hawaii the king of offshore banking in the Pacific. Better yet, maybe they can find out what other money-making ideas Montana is working on.