THIS is supposed to be the annual year-end column during which we laugh, cry, chuckle dryly and remember fondly all those moments that made 1997 such an interesting year. 1997: Bishop Estate
and other stuff
The problem is that it's almost impossible to look back at 1997 and see anything besides Bishop Estate. The Bishop Estate controversy came roaring out of nowhere like a train charging through a dark tunnel. Now its light is so blinding that I'm having a hard time remembering other newsworthy events of the past year. But I'm going to try. I'm going to try and dredge up some of the other things that happened in 1997 that, if they didn't make us laugh or cry, at least reminded us of what a strange island world we live in. And it might help us figure out what we'll be facing in 1998.
Let's see. I seem to remember there was some discussion about allowing two people of the same sex marry each other. It's hazy, but it's there. I had a position on it, I just don't remember what it was. I think it was along the lines of 'If you can't get a partner, get a wooden chair and let's rock!' No, that was Elvis. I'm sure the courts will sort it all out for us next year.
It's hard to believe, but for a while, the main topic of conversation was how to get rid of foreigners who have taken up residence in Hawaii. They have names like Ivy Gourd, Wood Rose and Kudzu. They are the vines that have begun grow over any immovable object in their path, from telephone poles to parked cars to Frank Fasi. Bishop Estate trustees can find hope in knowing that the vines are still here while the controversy has died.
Sometime in 1997, I think we made smoking cigarettes a felony. I'm not sure. Maybe people just can't smoke in restaurants. All I remember is that second-hand smoke has become A VERY IMPORTANT HEALTH ISSUE. Somewhere along the line, we decided that we have to protect people from the ravages of second-hand smoke so they can die from a heart attack brought on by eating too much fast food. So now you can't smoke in any restaurant that serves double-cheeseburgers with bacon. On the other hand, you can smoke in bars and nightclubs, as long as they don't serve you a double-cheeseburger with bacon.
Which brings up another VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE that got blown off the public-concern radar by the Bishop Estate juggernaut: lap dancing. As I understand it, the push in 1997 was to ban lap dancing, even when no actual sex takes place. On the other hand, prostitution -- which is illegal -- continues in Waikiki within sight of the police substation. The message, girls, is that if you aren't willing to go all the way, get the hell off of my lap. Or maybe it's that it is OK to pay for sex in Hawaii, you just can't have a cigarette afterward.
In our continuing effort to idiot-proof Hawaii, we finally got around to raising the safety of children to the same level of concern we afford to dogs. Yes, like dogs, children can no longer ride in the back of pickup trucks without a leash. Wait. That's not right. Children can't ride back there at all. Dogs have to be tied down and rubbish in pickups has to be covered with a tarp. Or is it children have to be covered with a tarp and rubbish has to be on a leash? That damn Bishop Estate controversy has really messed me up. All I know that if you make something idiot-proof, they'll just come up with better idiots.
So, yes, very important things happened in 1997 other than the unprecedented attack on Bishop Estate. I've just forgotten what they all are. I'm sure we'll get it all straightened out in 1998.