Spouse abuse has
By Nathaniel Conley
no basis in sanityAS you may or may not know, those white tank top undershirts that you see cool guys with big muscles and tattoos wearing around are called "wife beaters." The origin of this name dates far back in time. So far, in fact, that I have lost interest in the real meaning.
Nowadays, these shirts have become the traditional garb donned by a husband when he beats his wife, which the name so accurately suggests. The shirt could also be used when a wife beats her husband, however that is certainly not as common. This is probably because this would run counter to the name and would violate the trust between whoever made up the name and whoever wears the shirt.
Though lacking big muscles and tattoos, I also will occasionally wear such a shirt, simply for comfort and because it helps my posture. On these occasions I find myself acting and feeling strange. I think the feeling is called rage. I have the urge to beat someone.
I have no wife, and no husband for that matter, and to find someone else to beat would take time and energy, not to mention raise the possibility that he or she might hurt me. So to keep myself in line, I will beat myself.
AS an example, I might be getting myself a drink and accidentally drop the glass or spill the contents on myself. I can't explain it, but I become enraged and start hitting and yelling at myself, blowing everything out of proportion. I am reduced to tears and run into my room.
When I regain my composure, I apologize to myself and promise that it will never happen again. After awhile, I convince myself of my good intentions and make up with myself. Everything is fine for a time. I even forget the violent episode, but then something triggers me and the beatings start all over again.
I'm just not the same person when I blow up like this. I have told myself that it might be the shirt, but I just won't listen. I get mad and I say that I like the shirt. The shirt is good. There is no reason to avoid wearing the shirt.
I've called my brother and told him what's happening. He said that if I ever harm myself again, he'll have to come over and end it. But that doesn't scare me because I know I can kick his ass.
I have bruises all over my body and face, but I just make myself tell all my friends that I tripped and hit my face on a dead man's fist clenched tight with rigor mortis. They believe all the excuses and are left unaware of the truth.
I really don't know what to do. I've thought about leaving myself but I feel this strange connection that makes me want to stay. I have taken my dignity, my health and I think my sanity is beginning to slip away from me. I need help. If I don't figure it out soon, I may end up doing something to myself that we will both regret.
Nathaniel Conley is a senior
at Kailua High School.Rant & Rave is a Tuesday Star-Bulletin feature
allowing those 12 to 22 to serve up fresh perspectives.
Speak up by fax at 523-8509; by answering machine at 525-8666;
snail mail at P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu 96802;
or e-mail, features@starbulletin.com
