Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, December 19, 1997

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Al Gore’s no
Dan Quayle...or is he?

WITH his puzzling, if not zany, claim that he and his bushy-haired wife, Tipper, were the inspiration for "Love Story," one of the sappiest movies ever made, Al Gore is well on his way to being inducted into the Dan Quayle Doofus Hall of Fame.

This is an accomplishment to which no politician aspires, because it means that for the rest of your political life, any verbal stumble, stammer or misstatement will be blown up by the press to make you look as silly as, well, Dan Quayle when he was vice president.

Gore, who's main asset has been his ability to make those guards in the big hats who stand motionless outside Buckingham Palace look animated, has embarked on a politically dangerous track of actually trying to speak. The problem is that he thinks he's smarter than everybody else so that no one will question him when he says he didn't know a gathering of political supporters at a Buddhist temple was a fund raiser, or that the movie "Love Story" was based on his life or that global warming is caused by "advanced countries," those whose currency is not tied to the price of small rodents. (Gore is one of those guys who believe that global warming is the biggest threat facing our planet and it can only be stopped by a world government headed by Kubla Khan's mystical land.)

Gore isn't the first politico who tried to buff up his image by tying himself to Hollywood. He's piker compared to Ronald Reagan, who actually BELIEVED his life was a movie. Reagan slipped up when referred to his cabinet members as "extras."

Gore probably figured tying himself to a movie, even one as stupid as "Love Story" was sort of like getting a free throw in the middle of a basketball game: it wouldn't necessarily win the game but no big deal if you miss.

It's often been suggested that I was the inspiration for a character in a major Hollywood movie: "Free Willie." I think the people who say that mean I must have been a cute kid growing up.

Gore has backtracked on his "Love Story" claim, but it makes you wonder what other public figures will come out of the woodwork claiming to have inspired movies. Here's a few possibilities:

Apple Computer honcho Steve Jobs claims "Star Wars" is the story of his battle with the Death Star -- Microsoft and Bill "Darth Vader" Gates.

Saddam Hussein will say he inspired "The Taxi Driver." (He practices facing down the United Nations by posing in front of a mirror saying, 'You talking to me? You talking to me? I'm the only one here.')

Ted Kennedy will say his nose inspired the "Hindenberg."

Frank Sinatra -- "The Godfather."

Nancy Sinatra -- "Das Boot (Was Made for Walkin')"

Hillary Clinton -- "The Godfather -- Part II."

Marla Maples -- "(Sex) Toy Story."

Bill Clinton -- "Dangerous Liaisons."

British Au Pair Louise Woodward -- "Mary Poppins."

Jesse Helms -- "Braindead."

All of Clinton's appointees -- "Crimes and Misdemeanors."

Web Hubbell and anyone else who worked for the Rose Law Firm -- "The Usual Suspects."

Jesse Jackson -- "Gandhi."

George Stephanopoulos -- "Benji."

Ross Perot -- "Little Big Man."

Sen. Fred Thompson -- "Deliverance." (The character who says, "Squeal like a pig, Mr. Juang!")

Michael Jackson, Boy George and Ellen DeGeneres -- "Little Women."

Al Gore's political future -- "Tombstone."