IT'S that time of year again. Time to send out those silly family holiday form letters that broadcast the fact that you don't care enough about your friends and relatives to actually write them a personal note. Season your greetings
with personal touchThe sad thing is that there are families who can't even get it together enough to compose one of those form letters. And those are the people that we are here to help.
Every year, Honolulu Lite provides aid to the pathologically lazy or disorganized in the form of an easy to use, no-frills, "customizable" holiday letter. All you have to do is circle the appropriate multiple-choice answer, clip the column from the paper, stuff it in an envelope and send it off. It's sort of a community outreach program for the chronically lame. It doesn't get any easier than this folks. If you can't even get off your butts long enough to clip and mail the Honolulu Lite Personalized Annual Holiday Family Form Letter, you are completely hopeless and should just forget Christmas all together. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So, season's greetings and don't forget to the put a stamp on the envelope (you don't even have to lick them anymore):
DEAR (Family Member, Friend, Neighbor, Probation Officer, Person I've Been Stalking For Weeks, Other):
Sorry we didn't get around to sending you a real personal-type letter this year. We are so (busy, lazy, uncaring, comatose)! But we wanted you to know how much we (don't give a rip, care, worry excessively, salivate, tremble quietly) about you and your entire (brood, herd, family, cult, tribe, slave colony).
My, it's been a (scary, relatively indictment-free, wonderful) year for us!
Our oldest (daughter, son, dog, dust bunny, eyebrow mite) is now (10 feet tall, fatter than a city bus, in the Federal Witness Protection Program, infested with roaches). (He, she, it) is cuter than (a pile of naked Barbies, a bug's behind, Al Gore's behind). (His, her, its) main pastimes are (running from the law, working with physicist Stephen Hawking on the possible applications of space/time anomalies within the singularity points of Black Holes, drooling).
My (wife, husband, love slave, mail-order bride, blow-up mannequin) spends a great part of (his, her, its) time (caring for the poorest of the poor in Calcutta, boozing it up in sleazy bars, moping around the house, hissing at me like a truck tire with a slow leak).
I've had quite a year! I have become (foreperson, chief gerbil, king, undercover informant) of my (department, office, trailer park, underwear). I spend my time (napping excessively, developing a large following of large-breasted groupies, growing in mass). But I also like to (practice unauthorized surgery; wear varmints on my head in public; sing-a 'bout the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a). I've applied for a job as (independent prosecutor, Bill Gate's yard boy, head of the United Nations Security Council, grocery store clerk, Psychic Friends operator, Janet Reno's sex toy). Chance of (sudden fame, dismal failure, a grand jury convening, life as usual, growing larger in mass) is (likely, nil, strongly indicated.)
We hope to vacation this winter (in our basement, at your place, in a drug-induced stupor, in a Dumpster behind the 7-Eleven). We hear the rates are low and the food is (free, fuzzy, fun to throw, half the calories of the higher-priced spread, vomitous, finger-lickin' good). That's about it! Hope you have a (germ-free, wonderful, super-sized) (colon, Holiday Season, refrigerator) and a (joyous, fun-filled, disease-free, extra crispy) New Year!